Guest Blogger: Uncle Sam

You, out there, reading this blog...How old are you? 18-30? Maybe a little older, if you eat right and exercise regularly? Hmm?

You're not a queer, right?

Do you have any birth defects? Any disabilities that might prevent you from aiding your country in the war against evil abroad? Hmmm?

Cause, I have to say, from here, you look fine. Able-bodied. Free from any debilitating diseases or conditions. You don't have flat feet, do you?

Honestly, do you even know what it means to have "flat feet," and why that's a good excuse for avoiding military service? I say, get in a fucking tank or something, pilot that. You don't need attractive feet and ankles to blow up ragheads, sir or madam, only the love of freedom and the will to victory!

So, seriously, why not enlist? Your beloved U.S. Army needs you. Really. We really really need you. I don't know what happened, but it's almost like no young kids, just starting out in life, want to sign up to serve for 18 months or even longer in a forward area deep inside the Sunni Triangle. OMFG! WTF?

With this whole Iraq thing, there's been on question on my mind...When did all the young people in America become total pussies?



Who does it look like I'm pointing at right there...You, motherfucker. John Q. Poor Teenaged Minority. I know you can here me, Juan and Rasheed. Let's stop bullshitting and do this thing.

I'm doing my part. I mean, we're spending millions to advertise to you on your MTV2's and Comedy Centrals and whatever, telling you to become an Army of One, work on your sniper skills and kill dirty filthy disgusting loathsome freedom-hatin' foreigners.

But do you listen? Noooooo! You're too busy watching your Ashton Kooshball shows and listening to your podcasts and sneding your textile messages and distributing sex videos of yourselves.

I'm even trying to go above your head, and advertise to your parents, in the hopes they'll encourage you to sign up!

How's that for an act of hopeless desperation? I mean, yeah, maybe I can convince some forthright, honest, brave young people to enlist with promises of serving their fellow man and realizing their full potential. But to go behind their back to Mom and Dad, telling them that their child dying for some religious freak president's ill-fated crusade would somehow earn their family some pride or honor or something...

It never used to be like this, folks. It used to be easy to get kids to join the Armed Forces. All I had to do was point at people on posters, and occasionally make a splashy big-budget Hollywood action movie glorifying military service.

But, hey, desperate times, you know what I mean?

Aw, hell, what do I know? I'm just a clever expansion of the initials U.S., popularized during the War of 1812 and used as a recruitment tool during World War I.