Secrets and Lies

We get a lot of strange, unfillable requests at the video store. Customers will read some random article about a movie or even provide a vague description of something they once saw on television and simply assume that we can obtain a brand-new, professionally mastered DVD copy within a few days. Perhaps the most hilarious example was the woman who thought we made the DVD's ourselves in the back of the store.

"That title's out of print," my co-worker explained. "There aren't any more copies."

"Well why can't you make some more?" the idiot customer replied, imagining, deep within the bowels of Laser Blazer, some fantastical device similar in design to a Bessemer Converter, in which entire movie reels are ground into easy-to-transport, high-quality DVD's.

Sometimes, people will hear an infomercial or radio ad for some self-help product and assume that we will necessarily carry such things. Most of the time, the fake guru behind these fraudulent lectures sells the products him or herself, the better to gouge gullible senior citizens without the hassle of going through a middle man.

Recently, a lot (a lot!) of people have been asking about a movie called The Secret. At first, I assumed it was some TV movie or whatever that came out on DVD that we simply forgot to pre-order. But I couldn't find any evidence of the thing's existence in our computer. It was only when a customer indicated that it might have a secondary title, something like The Art of Happiness that I grew suspicious.

It turns out, The Secret is a movie that proposes to teach viewers, over the course of 2 hours, the success technique employed by history's greatest geniuses and achievers. It's available on DVD, but only from this website, but you can also download it to your computer for the low low cost of $5.

The Secret has existed throughout the history of humankind. It has been discovered, coveted, suppressed, hidden, lost and recovered. It has been hunted down, stolen, and bought for vast sums of money. Now for the first time in history, The Secret is being revealed to the world over two breathtaking hours.

Look, people, here's a tip: If someone's offering to sell you history's greatest secret, an understanding so deep and penetrating that it has inspired centuries of searching and conflict, for $20 on a DVD...that person is a liar. Okay?

It takes all of 2 seconds on this website to figure out the obvious branding these charlatans are going for. All the graphics, the copy, the style of the entire enterprise smacks of The Da Vinci Code. They're clearly hoping the same fools who believed the dross in that book will accept this new quasi-historical fiction with the same blank, slack-jawed, unquestioning outlook.

A number of exceptional men and women discovered The Secret, and went on to become known as the greatest people who ever lived. Among them: Plato, Leonardo, Galileo, Napoleon, Hugo, Beethoven, Lincoln, Edison, Einstein and Carnegie, to name but a few.

Hey, where are the women? But besides that blatant discrepancy, doesn't this list sound totally made up? Like a compilation of Great Men of History that someone just threw together. I mean, what do these people even have in common aside from noteriety? Scientists, philosophers, musicians, physicists, businessmen, politicians, astronomers, novelists and generals? Any secret that could apply to all of them would have to be so vague and widely applied, it would be utterly meaningless.

Fragments of The Secret have been found in the oral traditions, in literature, in religions and philosophies throughout the centuries. For the first time, all the pieces of The Secret come together in an incredible revelation which will be life transforming for all who experience it.

Yowza. An incredible revelation which will be life transforming for all who experience it. Just like Kangaroo Jack!

They're really going for the hard sell here. Why do I feel like this copy was composed by Sheldon "The Machine" Levine? "We're offering life-transforming revelations this week, Dan. I'm trying to do you a favor!...Um, Grace, can you get me Socrates on Line 5 and two first-class tickets for myself and Charles Baudelaire to D.C. for next Tuesday?"

Some of today's greatest teachers will be presented in The Secret and will impart this special wisdom that has been known by so few. They include some of the world's leaders in the fields of business, economics, medicine, psychology, history, theology and science.

And by "business, economics, medicine, psychology, history, theology and sicnece," they mean, "a bunch of touchy-feely New Age bullshit." I mean, let's just take one of those claims...Theology? Who are the world's leaders in the field of theology and are they really on this DVD? Does Pope Joey Ratz make an appearance?

Included are; 'Miracle Man' Morris Goodman, who tells his awe inspiring story of how he recovered from paralysis by using The Secret.

This must be how Christopher Reeve walked around in those commercials! And you all thought it was just cheesy special effects...

Dr. Denis Waitley, who used various aspects of The Secret in training Olympic athletes and Apollo astronauts to reach new heights of human endeavour.

I'm surprised that Olympic athletes and Apollo astronauts share the same trainer. Doesn't seem like these two activities would have overlapping skill sets like that. For starters, it's probably unsafe to actually throw a javelin inside a lunar module. Those walls are made of, like, tin foil.

Doctors in the fields of medicine and quantum physics explain the science behind The Secret.


As you can see, the use of The Secret opens up a transdimensional portal, m-hai, in which high speed positrons collide with feel-good vibrations, creating a vortex of wealthonomy and happitude. Glavin!

Best selling authors and philosophers including Bob Proctor, John Assaraf, James Ray and Joe Vitale, explain how they have created lives of phenomenal success utilising The Secret.

To the Google!

Bob Proctor is another bogus self-help guru who runs an outfit called LifeSuccess Productions LLC. Hey, if these guys have the secret to eternal happiness, how come they have to spend so much time hawking merchandise on poorly-designed websites?

Anyway, this creepy Proctor asshole has written a book called "You Were Born Rich." His website declares on a garish blue masthead - "If you can tell me what you want, I can show you how to get it." Bob, I want you to go the fuck away and stop cheating sad, desperate people out of their hard-earned money with your lame, unoriginal collection of useless platitudes and easy answers. Can you show me how to get what I want?

An author, perhaps, if you want to define the term loosely. But he's not exactly Schopenhauer.

John Assaraf runs a ridiculous company called OneCoach that...say it with me now...teaches the secret for getting what you want in the business world! The only guy who would call this idiot a philosopher is maybe David Brent. (Or, for you American fans, Michael Scott.)

James Ray wants to offer you "wealth in all areas of your life." That is, unless they're referring to the assasin who killed Martin Luther King. Becuase, say what you will about that guy, but he was ambitious and knew how to get things done. Here's a taste of this Ray character's heady philosophical writings...

Just like the harmony created by each unique and important instrument in an orchestra causes your emotions to soar (like an eagle rising on an invisible thermal), complete harmony in your life causes your level of happiness, wealth and success to soar.

That kind of sounds like it was written by Stephen Colbert. "Like a majestic eagle rising on an invisible thermal, this War on Terror's about the really take off!" Otherwise, though, this guy's definitely on the level of a Heidegger or, at the very least, John Stuart Mill.

Finally, poor poor Joe Vitale. I'm going to insist you all visit his personal website, which has thus far been the highlight of my day. (And it's getting pretty late.)

Besides being one of the five top marketing specialists in the world today, and the world’s first hypnotic writer, Joe is also a certified hypnotherapist, a certified metaphysical practitioner, a certified Chi Kung healer, and an ordained minister. He also holds a doctorate degree in Metaphysical Science and another doctorate degree in Marketing.

Oh, well, a certified metaphysical practicioner. I had imagined he was the rogue loner of the metaphysical practicioner game, practicioning on his own out there with no licence.

And what the fuck is a hypnotic writer? Does he write while hypnotized? Is he writing prose that will actually hypnotize the viewer? Is it just an entire book saying "You are getting sleepy...your eyelids are getting heavy...look at this picture of a stopwatch and imagine I'm waving it in front of your face...everything's getting dark..."

Seriously, I love that paragraph. I'm going to make it my description in my Blogger profile. It fucking rules. I'd say it's probably the most hilarious resume I've ever seen. I wanna be a certified Chi Kung healer!

Anyway, four testimonials, four egregious lying phonies. I thought this was some great secret! How come they can only get hucksters to appear in their video discussing its intricacies and details? Were Stephen Hawking and Thomas Pynchon unavailable during the week they "borrowed" that camera from Best Buy? You know, before they had to return it to get their money back?

Tonight, a guy came into the store looking for The Secret, and after I told him we didn't carry that title, he actually told me the secret. (He claimed to want the film only to see how the filmmakers are reapplying a very old technique called "visualization.") All of these guys in the film are pitching the same line, which is pretty much a variation on "the power of positive thinking."

As in any kind of visualization exercize, they tell you to imagine the thing you most want in the world all the time as a way of actually achieving that goal. It's the same idea behind the sports psychologist telling his patient to imagine the ball going through the hoop or into the cup. First you see it in your mind, then you reproduce that action in reality.

I don't doubt that this could work on some level, becuase it's built on one of the most simple and logical principles in all of Communication. Humans can detect confidence, even on a subconscious level. Someone's facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and mannerisms communicate as much, if not more, than what they actually say. So if we make an effort to project confidence, people pick up on that and assume we know what we're talking about. Thus, imagining that you are successful will cause people to treat you with respect, which will in turn cause you to become successful.

A-duh. Most clever, alpha-dog individuals figure this out on their own by junior high school. If you talk to girls like a frightened little supplicating puppy dog who desperately wants their companionship, they will not take you seriously. But if you act aloof like you don't care what they think, they won't be able to resist blowing you underneath the stairs in the back of the gymnasium during the Holiday Dance.

(I only figured this out a few weeks ago, but it occurs to most guys much earlier.)

The Secret adds one additional level. You don't just visualize the thing that you want, you actively force yourself to believe that this thing has already happened, much in the way a devout Christian forces him or herself to believe that a man turned water into wine and came back from the dead.

Yeah, it's insane. (At least Christianity has several thousand years of tradition and history.) They encourage you to become delusional, pretending to achieve things that you have not achieved. I think Jon Lovitz used to teach this same technique on "Saturday Night Live."

And the proof they offer for their program's success, before you shell out $20? A few douchetards who have become rich teaching other people about the program. This is like when fundies try to prove stuff in The Bible by quoting from The Bible.

What about all the people who try The Secret and then don't become rich and famous hawking The Secret? They're just walking around with a strong belief that they're millionaire playboys. They're still just braindead slobs! You've now done these people a significant disservice. Before, they were just miserable losers. But now they're miserable losers in an advanced stage of denial.
Well done, Joe "Mr. Fire" Vitale! By the way, that's a stupid nickname! And you look like a doofus! And your poorly-written and unconvincing personal website makes me doubt your abilities as a self-proclaimed marketing genius!