What Are You Guys Doing for Patriot Day?

George Bush doesn't call himself "The Deciderer" just because he's certifiably insane! No, no! Sometimes, he actually makes important decisions. For example, he has decided to declare September 11th to be...PATRIOT DAY! Hell yeah. Don't wear purple pants after Patriot Day, that will be the new fashion credo.

Let me just be the first to say, thank you very much, Mr. President. Here I've been, trying to think of something to call that day five years ago when our nation was attacked...And I can't come up with anything. I'm really racking my brain here. Allah-ween? D-Day Part II: The Revenge? Osamadan?

If only there were some sort of accepted designation, some common reference, perhaps indicating the date of those tragic events, that we could all come together and use to refer to it publicly. Maybe something that also, coincidentally, played on popular lingo for an emergency.

Okay, I think that's just about enough sarcasm there...Well, maybe one more sentence...Okay, now it's ready.

Patriot Day, 2006
A Proclamation by the President of the United States of America

Proclaim it, George! Testify! Can the President get a witness?

On the fifth anniversary of the attacks of September 11, 2001, we recall the fire and horror at the twin towers of the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and a Pennsylvania field. America will always remember the thousands of innocent lives taken by the enemies of freedom that morning.

"And have you seen the movie version? It totally kicks ass! I've watched the DVD like four times already."

I don't get why this is "Patriot Day". Who's the titular patriot? Veterans Day honors veterans, Arbor Day honors trees, St. Lucifer's Day honors the Devil...Are we saying those that died in the September 11th attacks are "patriots"? They're victims, sure. I'm willing to go so far as to say "innocent victims." But patriots? Some of them weren't even Americans!

There is nothing inherently patriotic about being killed as part of a terrorist action. I'm not trying to say anything negative about the victims of the attack on the WTC or Flight 93 or anyone else who died that day. Horrible, tragic stuff. Slaughter. But if we're going to set aside a day to honor those we lost on 9/11, shouldn't that be clear in the name? Like by calling it...you know...9/11?

In the face of these unspeakable attacks, we were reminded that the great strength of America is found in the hearts and souls of our citizens. We witnessed firefighters, police officers, other public safety officials, and ordinary Americans demonstrate extraordinary courage, risking their lives to save innocent victims. We saw our country united in compassion as Americans came together to provide relief and bring hope to others.

It's rare that I'll read a paragraph nominally credited to our President and think, "yeah, I agree with that."

Today, America is fighting a war that is testing our Nation's resolve. We are once again answering history's call with confidence, and we know that freedom will prevail. Our brave men and women in uniform have stepped forward to fight our enemies abroad so that we do not have to face them here at home, and we are grateful for the courageous individuals bringing terrorists to justice around the world.

Man, V for Vendetta was spot-on. Have you guys all seen that yet? Want to have some fun? Replace the words "America" and "freedom" with "England" and you can make your own version of the insane propagandist from the film. It's like Christopher Hitchens Mad Libs!

We are also confronting the extremists in the great ideological struggle of the 21st century.

It's totally premature to start declaring any conflict "the great ideological struggle of the 21st Century." We're only a few years into the century. Maybe the greatest ideological struggle of this century will be between people who think sex robots are great and people who want to get rid of all the sex robots. Or between artificially-intelligent sex robots bent on world conquest that want exterminate the human race and artificially-intelligent sex robots bent on world conquest that want to keep humans alive as slaves, pets and potential hunting trophies.

Aside from the semantic argument, this quote does let you know essentially where George Bush's head is at in terms of the "War on Terrorism." He expects this thing to last the better part of the next 100 years. It's the great struggle of the next century! I mean, wow. That's quite a struggle. That's, like, the first stirrings of Communism to the fall of the Soviet Union kind of time there. And I, for one, salute our President's desire to drag us into an endless clash of civilizations.

Cause, you know, when Europe had that 100 Years' War, it worked out really well for all of them. And that was just the English and the French. They were already right next to each other! (Actually, that war lasted a bit longer than 100 years, which is exactly the kind of wiggle room George continually requests in his speeches. "We really turned a corner after that Battle of Azincourt. Trust me on this one.")

No, sir, no real end in sight for the War on Terra. And, you know, as long as we're at war, you know, Supreme Executive Power and all that...

September the 11th made clear that, in the long run, the only way to secure our Nation is to advance liberty and democracy as the great alternatives to repression and radicalism. By working together with our friends and allies, we are helping spread the blessings of freedom and laying the foundations of peace for generations to come.

Okay, this one's a bit harder to translate than that other paragraph, where all you had to do was replace a few works. This time, use this handy Bushian->English guide:

"secure our Nation" = "kick serious raghead ass"
"advance liberty" = "drop lots of bombs"
"democracy" = "ignore Israel while they drop lots of bombs"
"working together with our friends and allies" = "insulting the French"
"spread the blessings" = "torture"
"of freedom" = "potentially innocent guys"
"laying the foundations" = "preventing"
"of peace" = "any kind of progress"

It's a little tricky to pick up some of the idioms, but you can get the hang of Bush->English translation quickly if you pay attention. For example, if the President were to say,

"Isn't it a lovely afternoon? Would you join me for a glass of iced tea?"

...what he'd really be saying is...

"God told me to kill."

Actually, if you're ever in doubt as to what Bush is really trying to say, you should probably just assume it's some variation on "God told me to kill."

By a joint resolution approved December 18, 2001 (Public Law 107-89), the Congress has designated September 11 of each year as "Patriot Day."

But, wait...September 11th is already Moby's Birthday! It can't be two days! We'll just have to agree to make Patriot Day on September the 12th or something.

Well, if nothing else, at least now we'll get another three day weekend each year.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim September 11, 2006, as Patriot Day. I call upon the Governors of the United States and the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico, as well as appropriate officials of all units of government, to direct that the flag be flown at half staff on Patriot Day. I also call upon the people of the United States to observe Patriot Day with appropriate ceremonies, activities, and remembrance services, to display the flag at half staff from their homes on that day, and to observe a moment of silence beginning at 8:46 a.m. eastern daylight time to honor the innocent Americans and people from around the world who lost their lives as a result of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.

Wait, what? No long weekend? We just fly flags at half staff? That's it? That's your new holiday? I never thought I'd say this, but George Bush isn't thinking big enough. I mean, they fly flags at half staff at the schools when the janitor dies. This is almost 3,000 people here. I think, at the very least, we should have a half-day and an annual parade.

Or, failing that, some kind of fun new tradition. Like bobbing for apples, only something not already associated with Halloween. Oh, what about three legged racing! That's always fun. Each Patriot Day, families take a half day from work or school, go out on picnics and have traditional three-legged races to commemorate the Patriots who bravely crashed planes into buildings on September 11th.

No! Reverse that! To commemorate the Patriots who got crashed into by planes on September 11th. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Finally, I'd like to point out that it was very rude of the terrorists to attack America when it was still so early on the West Coast. How am I supposed to schedule a moment of silence before 6 a.m.? I mean, I'll be sleeping, so that's fairly silent (though I'm told I kind of snore.) But waking up to then just sit silently seems counter-productive. Would the victims of September 11th really want me to wake up and then sit silently in my bed, just to roll over a minute later and fall back to sleep? I'd like to think they'd just as soon have me sleep, so long as I promise to dream about blowing up Arabs.