Poseidon

Last night, I saw a double feature at the Egyptian Theater. Two British films, totally unavailable on DVD, that have been all but forgotten by modern audiences. In the case of 1969's Bond rip-off Some Girls Do, the second in a series of films about super-spy and Sean Connery lookalike Hugh Drummond, it's probably for the best. Notable mainly for its gimmick of attractive female servant-robots (parodied in the first Austin Powers film) and its highly ludicrous '60s fashions and designs, the movie rarely rises above the level of nostalgia cheese.

1972's Pulp, a flop upon its initial release, holds up much better. Star Michael Caine and director Mike Hodges, coming off of the cult hit Get Carter, reteamed for this wacky mystery-comedy that's equal parts clever postmodern riff and lowbrow farce. It doesn't always work, but Caine and Mickey Rooney are hilarious and enough of the little background jokes connect to make it worthwhile, particularly for fans of detective fiction.

I'd write a full-length review of these films and the experience of seeing them on the big screen at the Egyptian in Hollywood...but what do you guys care, right? The event's over, so you can't go see them. And they're not on DVD, and probably never will be. So I might as well review something you'll at least have a chance to watch.

Which brings me to Wolfgang Peterson's Poseidon, which you'll all get a chance to watch in a few weeks when it comes out on DVD. Not that you should bother...


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The Poseidon Adventure strikes me as a quality selection for a remake. It has a great premise and the original film isn't particularly good. It has a good title, sure, and it's memorable in a way, mainly because Shelly Winters continually makes fun of her own weight problem and Gene Hackman plays a priest having a crisis of faith, both of which are funny. But it's a stupid, pointless film, one of dozens of cheesy, perfunctory '70s disaster films with big ensemble casts yelling at one another inside burning or crumbling superstructures.

Unfortunately, Peterson's new version doesn't fix any of the problems with the original, and in fact adds in some fresh, new problems of its own. It has a few solid sequences of carnage and destruction, lame supporting characters and some of the weakest dialogue of any film I've seen all year. My friend Cory complained about some cheeseball dialogue in Miami Vice. That shit sounds like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead compared with some of the turds Kurt Russell is handed here. There's at least three exchanges that made me want to turn off the DVD player.

It's kind of a shame, because the movie clearly cost an awful lot and a ton of quality craftsmanship has gone into the production. The story of a futuristic ocean liner, capsized mid-ocean by a massive "rogue wave," practically cries out for the generally sure hand of Wolfgang Peterson, whose Das Boot and Perfect Storm occasionally tread similar...please forgive me...waters.

He handles a few bits with aplomb. The initial wave crash and the resulting destruction looks really terrific and sounds even better. Beams being throttled apart, huge windows shattering on impact, bodies flying around through flame-streaked passageways...It's like the final hour of Titanic smooshed together into one five-minute orgy of chaos.

A few other little set pieces come together nicely. The above photo, despite what the hilarious caption indicates, comes from a scene in which Richard Dreyfuss and Freddy Rodriguez hold on for dear life above flaming water. It's intense and wrenching, momentarily capturing some of the claustrophobic, mortal terror of being stuck in an upside-down ship in the mid-Atlantic. It's also shockingly violent for a PG-13 movie. I don't care how many f-bombs are dropped in Find Me Guilty. There's no way that tame courtroom comedy deserves an R rating while this Flaming-Corpse-a-thon squeaks by with a PG-13.

These enjoyable, thrilling momets of spectacle are few and far between. Actually, I have just named both of the scenes in Poseidon that worked for me. The rest is pretty much total garbage. The first 15 minutes consists of bland, poorly-conceived individuals introducing themselves to one another.

"Oh, hello, concerned single mother. I'm lonely gay man and this is my friend, heroic ex-mayor. If some horrifying disaster was to befall this ship, I'd like to think that we'd all try and band together for survival. Possibly finding an individual who knows something about the bowels of such an ocean liner, who might enable us to find a unique, impromptu escape route? Oh, by the way, I have commitment issues. That might come up later if, for any reason, I think I'm about to die. Just thought I'd mention it now so there's no confusion in that unlikely event."

Then, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas takes the stage to introduce us once again to her big fat humps. She's a national treasure.


Not only is their ship turned upside-down, but the passengers must also contend with the hideous ghoul Davy Jones, intent on imprisoning them all in a lifetime of servitude aboard the Flying Dutchman.

Then, Richard Dreyfuss is hanging out on deck and notices an enormous wave about the crush the vessel in twain. How come nobody noticed this thing before it was visible to the naked eye? Don't they have sonar on this thing? Maybe they used the sonar fund to book Fergie.

The rest of the movie finds Kurt Russell leading his daughter (Emmy Rossum), her boyfriend (um...some guy...), a determined Josh Lucas and a few other passengers through the ship to safety. Mainly, they stand around in small flooding rooms and debate the proper route. Every once in a while, someone dies in horrible pain, frequently on camera. It doesn't really make for a fun time at the movies.

It's mainly boring, what with all the arguing and standing around in knee-high water, so I kept thinking about how this must have been the worst experience in the actor's lives. For months at a time, they're holed up together having instructions barked at them in a thick German accent, standing around for hours in sopping wet clothes on upside-down sets, being periodically doused with cold water. That's pretty much worse than just being a passenger in an upside-down cruise ship. At least the doomed passengers will die of hypothermia after a few hours of exposure.

It's also oddly obsessed with Emmy Rossum's wet breasts. Now, don't get me wrong...They're very nice breasts, particularly when wet. But she bends down right in front of the camera a lot. An awful lot. You feel like nudging Wolfgang when no one else is looking and warning him that he's going to get caught. Considering that she's playing Kurt Russell's daughter, it's kind of an odd choice. I'm not complaining, mind you, but the whole thing strikes me as kind of unseemly. There hasn't been this much teasing PG-13 fripple since we all found out what Jennifer Love Hewitt did last summer.

The whole thing would just work better if there was one character who was funny or engaging. It's not only impossible to care about these random, underdeveloped strangers...It's impossible to even focus on their predicament for a few minutes at a time because they're so crushingly dull. Even actors with a lot of charisma and presence - like Kevin Dillon, who shows up and essentially plays his character from "Entourage" in a few scenes - aren't given anything interesting to say or do. They all just stand around until bits of the set start to fall apart, then they take off running. For an action film, it's entirely static.