Underworld: Evolution

Not having seen the first Underworld movie, I was highly confused throughout Underworld: Evolution. Confused my not be strong enough a word. Baffled. Perplexed. Flummoxed. Yes, I know, I'm coming in halfway through the story, but I thought these were films about a war between werewolves and vampires. I didn't think it would be like walking in to the last ten minutes of The Big Sleep and trying to reverse engineer all the double-crosses. It's like watching LA Confidential dubbed into Portuguese on a crappy bootleg while nursing a bad hangover and suffering from advanced glaucoma. You'd have better luck unraveling the JFK assassination than clearly explaining to me the myriad motivations behind the action of Underworld: Evolution.

To be perfectly honest, I didn't care at all that I couldn't figure anything out. Director Len Wiseman may not be asked to helm the next Curious George movie or anything, but he's one of the few contemporary Hollywood directors who knows how to shoot an action sequence, using computer-generated effects to enhance the on-screen action rather than dominate every frame.

Quite possibly the year's most aesthetically pleasing special effects extravaganza thus far, Underworld: Evolution on the whole gets a whole lot more right than wrong. I'll probably go back and rewatch the original film, just to gain some perspective, but I can't imagine I'd have enjoyed myself all that much more, even if I knew why Vampire A hated Werewolf B.



Some early exposition fills us in on just about all the reliable and easily understandable information we're going to get. Many years ago (I forget how long), a king had two sons, both of whom were mutated after encounters with deranged, monstrous wildlife. (What a coincidence!) Marcus (Tony Curran) turns into the proto-vampire after an unfortunate run-in with a bat while William (Brian Steele) becomes infected with lycanthropy after being bitten by a wolf. These two really ought to initiate the Buddy System when traveling at night.

Marcus turned most of the royal entourage into vampires, who quickly went about the business to locking William away. Werewolves, you see, are too out of control and dangerous, whereas vampires are far more respectable, cultivated blood-suckers.

Cut to the present day, when Marcus returns after a long hibernation and sets about attempting to free his crazed, homicidal, wolfen brother. The only ones who can stop him, apparently, are the former werewolf-hunter Seline (Kate Beckinsale, who is Mrs. Len Wiseman, by the by) and her companion, a half-vampire half-werewolf named Michael (Scott Speedman). I don't know why they're the only ones who can stop him. I also don't know why they're on the run from the rest of the Vampire Nation. Also, I don't understand what they're talking about...ever. The movie may as well have been a silent film, really.

Fortunately, the visuals more than make up for the fact that this universe has more backstory than "Eastenders." The make-up and design of the Marcus character, a humanoid bat with massive wings that he uses as weapons, struck me as particularly impressive. Generally, in a film like this, we'd get brief, dark glimpses of the monster during the climax, and that's it. In Underworld: Evolution, however, Marcus is a major character who seamlessly blends into the reality of the film. (When he's finally revealed, the William werewolf looks similarly detailed and menacing.)

When you consider that a human baddie is played by British legend Derek Jacobi, I think it's safe to say that the villains are far more interesting than the heroes. As George Carlin might phrase it, watching Scott Speedman act is like watching flies fuck. The guy's like Human Ambien. That we're supposed to find the Dude from "Felicity" physically imposing only makes the miscasting more painful. Now, I understand that it may not be fair to judge the casting of Speedman on this film, as he's held over from the first movie, but Wiseman never manages to convince us that this guy's capable of verbally assaulting a huge bat monster, let alone supplying a physical beatdown.

Beckinsale does what's required in this sort of role - looking very hot in skintight leather - and not much else. But she's supposed to be a vampire. They're kind of distant and cold and stoic, probably because they are technically dead. So I'll allow it.

That kind of sums up my feeling about the entire film. Sure, it's extremely silly and overblown. Yes, a lot of the visual style seems directly lifed from the Matrix and Blade movies. But it's a whole lot of fun, shot with a cool blue glaze that gives everything an otherworldly (underworldly?) property, and the whole thing's filled wall-to-wall with gory mayhem. To ask anything more from a movie about w ar between werewolves and vampires is to be a curmudgeon.