Hell's White House

Does it seem odd to you that, when politicians and journalists and public figures discuss the Iraq War, no one ever suggests actually changes we could make that might improve things? I mean, the Democrats have announced their new plan to end the war and I agree with almost all of it, but it's really just a randomly-chosen deadline as opposed to an actual course of action. Essentially, near as I can tell, Democrats want us to keep doing the stuff we've been doing - the stuff that doesn't work - and then leave in 6 months.

I'm all for leaving, don't get me wrong. Unfortunately, we're not in a position to correct our error, so we should just have the decency to step aside and then try to make it up to Iraq some time in the future when we can actually do something other than make things worse by establishing permanent bases there (which is what upset Osama in the first place!), torturing and slaughtering innocents and getting our fellow citizens killed.

So it's an underwhelming proposal, but it is a proposal. That's more than the White House, the guys who started this thing in the first place, have offered. The Republicans tell us we should calm down because we're being very un-Dude and call it a day. I mean, even Nixon had a fictional secret plan. They could give us that much.

Maybe they send Condi somewhere to pretend like she knows what she's talking about even though her only actual experience in foreign policy consists of studying the Soviet Union as an academic and starting botched wars. Why is this woman considered an expert on Middle Eastern affairs? If I had a book report due on One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, she'd be a good source of info. But asking her to speak intelligently about the current conflicts going on simultaneously in Iraq is like asking Dick Cheney to teach a class in gun safety.

I've had no choice but to come up with a plan of my own. I think we should send Hell's Kitchen star, Chef Gordon Ramsay, to the White House to whip those guys into shape. For those of you unfamiliar with Chef Ramsay, here's a file photo in which he's stomping his archrival, Chef Boyardee.



Ramsay's a pretty angry guy, so I think he'd fit in well at the White House. The cruel nature of his bullying and taunting kind of reminds me of our President, who has brought the frat boy shenanigans of National Lampoon to the Oval Office. Bush insults blind men and gives everyone around him demeaning nicknames; Ramsey calls all fat men "big boy" and tells a young man with long curly hair that he looks "like a ponce." These guys could seriously relate to one another in some meaningful ways. (Hell, Bush might even think he's an interesting cat!)

Ramsay would be great in the White House because this is a man who knows how to get people organized and motivated. He just screams at them until he's hoarse, much like a drill instructor or obsessive, alcoholic stage father living vicariously through his daughter. He calls them donkeys, tells them that they're worthless and that they've given up and always, always, reiterates that they are stupid. I think the Bush White House needs this kind of strict discipline.

And of course we should air the entire thing on Fox. "Hell's White House."

"You call this a foreign policy speech, you worthless sack of crap! Tear it up and start again, because I'm not releasing it to the public in this condition. Would you deliver this speech? Would you? You loathsome impudent muppet! I wouldn't trust your policy proposals any more than I'd trust you to guard my liquor cabinet. I heard that, even though you always wear stupid hats and fake being a cowboy, you're actually afraid of horses, which is why there are never pictures of you riding even though you own a blooming ranch! Get the hell out of here right now and make it better or I'll shut down this entire war. We really need a victory tonight, and you're giving me nothing, because you're an idiot. Get out of my face."