Equinox

Quick, what's the worst film ever released on Criterion DVD?

Did you guess Michael Bay's Armageddon? Well, you were right, until today. Now it's Jack Woods' 1967 creature feature Equinox, a hilariously awful sci-fi spectacle made for less than $7000 by some aspiring special effects designers. Because one of these guys, Dennis Muren, went on to work on George Lucas' original Star Wars trilogy, because they clearly influenced Sam Raimi's landmark Evil Dead and because they managed to create Ray Harryhausen-esque stop motion effects on such a low budget, the movie has some historical import. (Yes, I know that Raimi denies having seen Equinox before making Evil Dead, but the similarities in plot and even specific shots is fairly undeniable.)

Anyway, aside from its place in the history books, taken strictly as a movie, the movies' distinctly terrible. Unwatchable, even.



The Criterion set includes two versions of the movie - the 1967 original feature directed by Woods with assistance from Muren and a 1970 version tightened and cleaned up for mainstream release by producer Jack Harris. I watched all of the '70 edition and bits and pieces of the '67, and though both look extremely cheesy, are poorly dubbed and atrociously acted, the later version is clearly the "better" film. At least it seems to make sense and attempt to cohere into some kind of actual narrative.

As they so often do, four young people wander into a mysterious wooded preserve. A creepy park ranger (Woods himself) leers at them. They look for their friend, a certain Dr. Waterman, whose house has apparently been destroyed. They see a weird castle in the distance. They enjoy a nice picnic lunch.

It's around this time that you start to wonder...What the hell are these young people doing in the woods? Why hang around if Dr. Waterman isn't there to greet them? Can't they tell something strange and unpleasant is going on, with the sinister park ranger and the castles appearing from nowhere and the bizarre Book of the Dead calling to them from within dank caverns? Why am I watching this retarded piece of trash? And will he ever get to the freaking point?

We spend what feels like hours listening to these idiots rattle on about where to enjoy their tasty bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. It's interminable. I know that 90 minutes of solid effects shots wouldn't be possible with the limited means at Woods' and Muren's disposal, but couldn't they have come up with something more interesting for these people to do than wander around a wooded area arguing about where to eat lunch and whether they should split up into groups? The resulting film is more boring than an amateur production of "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern" are dead performed entirely in Esperanto.

So, apparently, this Waterman guy read from the Book of the Dead they have found (shades of Evil Dead here, for sure, although most of this stuff can be traced back to the writings of H.P. Lovecraft) and unleashed a demon who then started creating monsters to roam the countryside. I don't know why...Because he's a demon...That's what they do, I suppose. Create monsters. Cackle. Hide books. Then, a bit of lunch. Then, more cackling. It's a pretty full schedule, really.

For $7000, even in 60's money, they did come up with a few really impressive effects shots. There's a lot of great matte work, which has become a lost art in this era of fast-and-cheap CG backdrops. (Is it ironic that the creator of this handmade movie would become associated with the film series which would pioneer the use of digitally-animated backgrounds, the Star Wars prequel trilogy? Or just coincidental?) And some of the monsters (some!) look pretty sweet.

Others look like this:



Remember to avoid the Noid, kids. He wants to ruin your hot, delicious pizza.

The good people at Criterion need to hook up with the fine men and women behind "Mystery Science Theater 3000." Imagine, an entire series of low budget cheesy sci-fi and horror films with optional commentary by Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo...It would really up the Equinox rewatchability factor, I'll tell you that right now.