Find Yourself a City to Live In

I can't really imagine what circumstances would make this new Google toy, Google Trends, actually useful in a practical sense. It analyzes various popular search terms and will tell you where the most searches for that item are coming from. For example, if one were to type in "diarrhea," one would unsurprisingly find Bangalore, India to be the central point of interest in this subject. I suppose it has the dubious honor of being Diarrhea Capital of the World, which is a distinction, I guess, though it doesn't really look so hot on a postcard.

This column from the SF Gate (pointed out by The General) declares Elmhurt, Illinois to be the town with the greatest penchant for "gay porn" searches. It seems to me that this is the only real purpose for Google Trends. Making embarrassing or otherwise suggestive intimations about people based on potentially embarrassing Google queries. After all, we use search engines with the expectation of anonymity.

Let's test it out...I thought of some humiliating search terms which we can use to insult people from cities all around the world.

ECZEMA: St. Albans, UK has cooties.

CORN DOGS: Huge, huge shock here...The citizens of Dallas, TX are most keen to locate hot dogs dipped in batter and fried. I was really expecting Milan. (Is it surprising that Los Angeles comes in at #5 on this list? Wasn't the whole theory that people were more health-conscious out here? I can't imagine anything less health-conscious than eating a whole lot of corn dogs. Unless you're smoking black tar heroin between bites.)

TOBY KEITH: Okay, everyone, take a guess right now...What American city made fully a third more searches for Toby Keith on Google than the second-place finisher?

Do you have a guess in mind?

No, it's not Dallas again.

Yes, it's Oklahoma City, OK. Home to the Flaming Lips, the Starlight Mints and a whole lot of angry Americans. And may God have mercy on their souls.

ASS SEX: Cairo, Egypt overwhelmingly takes the title of City Most Interested in Butty Sex. But the surprising part? My hometown, little Irvine, California, comes in SECOND PLACE. I'm not kidding. For real. Out of the entire world! Irvine, I knew you were repressed and a little stifled but...Oh, man, I had no idea! Los Angeles is #8, and Irvine is #2! A whole white-flight safe little Orange County enclave full of sweaty-palmed perverts secretly fascinated by the world of anal insertion. I just call it "home."

MILF: St. Louis, Missouri. IRVINE COMES IN #4! Is it just that there are four personal computers per person? Or is it as I'd always expected? Irvine is full of weird perverts.

ANAL BEADS: Irvine clocks at #5. Denver takes the top prize.

DONKEY PUNCH: Denver with the championship again. Unbelievably, Irvine doesn't appear. Apparently, despite their fascination with backdoor action, the citizens of Irvine aren't into violence.

LUBE: Irvine at #8. I always wondered about that funny smell. Austin, Texas, lands the top spot.