Bushie, Don't Lose That Number

Are you there, George? It's me, Lons.

The National Security Agency has been secretly collecting the phone call records of tens of millions of Americans, using data provided by AT&T, Verizon and BellSouth, people with direct knowledge of the arrangement told USA TODAY.

The NSA program reaches into homes and businesses across the nation by amassing information about the calls of ordinary Americans — most of whom aren't suspected of any crime. This program does not involve the NSA listening to or recording conversations. But the spy agency is using the data to analyze calling patterns in an effort to detect terrorist activity, sources said in separate interviews.

Oh, well, as long as they're not recording the calls. Now I feel much better.

Why is it that mad-with-power presidential types always want to spy on everybody? What is it they think we've got going on? Are they just afraid of missing a sweet kegger or something, so they want to keep tabs on everyone's phone records to find out if it's still being held at Josh's at 8 because his parents went to Carson City for the weekend to visit his mother's bronchial Aunt Florence?

Nixon was the same way. It's interesting that he's the past president everyone thinks of to compare to Bush any more, considering that his own father was president. He started out trying to improve his family's legacy and ended up "History's Greatest Monster."

(It's just a joke, folks, so don't go in the comments and bitch about how I said Bush was worse than Hitler or whatever. Bush isn't actually History's Greatest Monster. He's got a much cleaner and more powerful drive than Nero, he suffers from slightly less madness than that other King George and Hillary Clinton says he's "charming" in person! Then again, Hillary Clinton probably thinks James Carville and Susan Sarandon are "charming" in person, so her receptors might just be off).

"It's the largest database ever assembled in the world," said one person, who, like the others who agreed to talk about the NSA's activities, declined to be identified by name or affiliation. The agency's goal is "to create a database of every call ever made" within the nation's borders, this person added.

Hey, that sounds neat! Anyone remember the Batman comics from a few years ago, where Batman had assembled the database of all the Gotham villains, and then the list was stolen by R'as al-Ghul and Batman had to get it back? This is kind of like that, only more ridiculous and with greater potential for fraud. A database of every call ever made within the nation's borders? Could this possibly be an effective tool in fighting terrorism? Or anything else?

Cause, I mean, a big Who's Who in Worldwide Terror database sounds cool. Could we send the terrorists letters telling them they've been chosen to represent their terror cell in the Who's Who of Worldwide Terror book, ask them to mail in a photo and then sell them copies? That way, we'd get pictures and information for our database plus earn a couple bucks on the side.

I, personally, would try to design something like they had in True Lies, where a futuristic computer brings up a full video dossier of any terrorist instantly by voice command. But, and this is important, the computer will only speak to Charlton Heston. I really can't stress that enough.

The problem is the NSA database won't just have terrorists in it like the True Lies computer. No, it will have regular assholes like me who've been blathering on to friends and loved ones on an AT&T cell phone. Not only is this unconstitutional and un-American, but it's completely stupid and pointless. I mean, the Arnold wasn't looking for some schmo talking to his step-brother in Northern Virginia. He's hunting the Crimson motherfucking Jihad, man. That's who we need in the database. (Come to think of it, what are those guys up to? They nearly flew a plane into a building in Miami way before Osama pulled it off).

You can tell we're not serious about fighting terrorism because we're still not checking everything that comes into our ports. Not to mention that our intelligence agencies are busy covering up the fact that some of their members might love manwhores, rather than worrying about when terrorists are going to attack us again and...oh yeah, we still insist on blowing up Arabs every day for no good reason. Do those three things...Start checking everything at the ports, get the intelligence community refocused on legally spying on actual terrorists and not teenagers calling one another to see if they'd like to go get some boba and stop blowing up Arabs. Am I forgetting anything? Oh yeah, impeach then prosecute these criminal lying assclowns.

But they won't do any of that stuff. Instead, Bush will get up on stage with beloved "That 70's Show" star Kurtwood Smith and insist that you trust him to do lots of secret stuff that makes you safer.



Oh, man, I can't believe I get to hang out with the bad guy from Robocop! This might even top the time I lied about the time I caught that fish!

For the customers of these companies, it means that the government has detailed records of calls they made — across town or across the country — to family members, co-workers, business contacts and others.

The three telecommunications companies are working under contract with the NSA, which launched the program in 2001 shortly after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, the sources said. The program is aimed at identifying and tracking suspected terrorists, they said.

The sources would talk only under a guarantee of anonymity because the NSA program is secret.

Oh, well, if it's a secret...

This is a complicated case, Maude. Lot of ins, lot of outs. What we're seeing is a public battle for power within the American intelligence community. This stuff goes on all the time, I bet, but we just don't hear about it until it gets really out of control. I don't pretend to understand whose side everyone is on and all that. I kind of had trouble following The Bourne Supremacy, to tell you the truth.

What I know is this. Lots of Republicans are upset that there's a military guy (played above by character actor Kurtwood Smith) taking control of the CIA even though it has only recently become a civilian position and used to have generals in command all the time. So what's up with that? Also, there's a guy named "Dusty" Foggo and a guy named Porter Goss, which both totally do sound like spy names, and they both quit the CIA for mysterious reasons that definitely involves gambling and may or may not involve manwhores.

And I know that there's no good reason for them all to check up on me when I'm phoning Pakistan to discuss the plans for the upcoming "public works project" my controller in Havana the dude who's gonna take all this heroin off my hands my fellow eco-rights crusaders the Dixie Chicks my parents just to ask about their day!

And I know that something's up with the active military general who headed up the NSA when this surveillance program started now moving over to head up the CIA. I don't know what's up with it, maybe because I'm not a goddamn spy!

Air Force Gen. Michael Hayden, nominated Monday by President Bush to become the director of the CIA, headed the NSA from March 1999 to April 2005. In that post, Hayden would have overseen the agency's domestic call-tracking program. Hayden declined to comment about the program.

Well, of course he decliend to comment. You don't comment on these sorts of things. When someone asks you a question about the possibly illegal domestic call-tracking program you initiated before switching high-ranking positions in secretive intelligence agencies, you memorize their face for future reference before you get into the back of a limo with tinted glass and tell the driver to take off at Warp 3.

The USA Today article goes on to detail in some detail Bush's obvious lies about the domestic spying. Yawn...Yes, we know. He's a lousy, stinkin' liar. What else you got?

It gets interesting again when writer Leslie Cauley discussed the unique situation for Qwest, the only telecommunications company to refuse to turn over its call lists to the NSA for fun and profit. (This is a long selection from the article, but hey, this is important.)

According to sources familiar with the events, Qwest's CEO at the time, Joe Nacchio, was deeply troubled by the NSA's assertion that Qwest didn't need a court order — or approval under FISA — to proceed. Adding to the tension, Qwest was unclear about who, exactly, would have access to its customers' information and how that information might be used.

Financial implications were also a concern, the sources said. Carriers that illegally divulge calling information can be subjected to heavy fines. The NSA was asking Qwest to turn over millions of records. The fines, in the aggregate, could have been substantial.

The NSA told Qwest that other government agencies, including the FBI, CIA and DEA, also might have access to the database, the sources said. As a matter of practice, the NSA regularly shares its information — known as "product" in intelligence circles — with other intelligence groups. Even so, Qwest's lawyers were troubled by the expansiveness of the NSA request, the sources said.

The NSA, which needed Qwest's participation to completely cover the country, pushed back hard.

Trying to put pressure on Qwest, NSA representatives pointedly told Qwest that it was the lone holdout among the big telecommunications companies. It also tried appealing to Qwest's patriotic side: In one meeting, an NSA representative suggested that Qwest's refusal to contribute to the database could compromise national security, one person recalled.

In addition, the agency suggested that Qwest's foot-dragging might affect its ability to get future classified work with the government. Like other big telecommunications companies, Qwest already had classified contracts and hoped to get more.

Unable to get comfortable with what NSA was proposing, Qwest's lawyers asked NSA to take its proposal to the FISA court. According to the sources, the agency refused.

This isn't a liberal vs. conservative thing. This isn't a cut taxes/raise taxes argument. Or a Clinton's a pervert/Bush is an idiot standoff. I think every American should be upset about this blatant invasion of privacy and subversion of the law. If it doesn't bother you that the President wants to spy on you and your neighbors, to me, it indicates devotion to an individual and a political party above your country. Which is about as wrong an interpretation of "patriotism" that you could have.

I mean, here's how this surveillance project has gone down.

NSA: Hey, all you phone companies, let us see all the calls people are making! On the double!
PHONE COMPANIES: Why?
NSA: Stop asking questions, you lunkheads, and make with the call lists!
AT&T: Sure, boss!
VERIZON: Whatever you say, boss!
BELL SOUTH: Likety split, boss!
QWEST: Hey, I don't know about this...
NSA: I said make with the list before I throw you a beating.
QWEST: Ain't this against the law?
NSA: You want law, I'll give it to you. Law of the jungle, man's inhumanity to man. Law of nature, that's what you're gonna get. As in, it's in my nature to take of chumps don't know what's good for 'em. Square?

And so on. And no one even seems to care that much. I mean, hey, another Kennedy got drunk! Let's all obsess over that!

And as a final note...the article does say why the NSA wouldn't let Qwest speak to a FISA judge about the surveillance program.

The NSA's explanation did little to satisfy Qwest's lawyers. "They told (Qwest) they didn't want to do that because FISA might not agree with them," one person recalled. For similar reasons, this person said, NSA rejected Qwest's suggestion of getting a letter of authorization from the U.S. attorney general's office. A second person confirmed this version of events.

"No, your honor, I object to having a trial on the grounds that you might think I did all this shit." Airtight logic, my friends. Air tight.