Bloodrayne

A film like Bloodrayne defies review but I'm going to write one anyway.

Mediocre films are all the same, and are thus easy to describe and pan to an audience. But a shit symphony like Bloodrayne can't be summed up in a few generic phrases. Like a beautiful and unique snowflake that's been dipped in elephant feces and deep fried, a truly awful film like Bloodrayne exists in its own world. A failure, to be sure, but a failure unlike any other exact failure in film history. In this regard, it's quite a remarkable achievement, and certainly an enjoyable experience if one is inclined, as I am, to watch bad movies for entertainment.

Director Uwe Boll, responsible for Bloodrayne along with the equally awful but less amusing Alone in the Dark, tells the press that he tries to make good films, but all available evidence points to a filmmaking method that specifically undermines any hopes of actually producing a worthwhile final product. Quite possibly the most reviled figure among Internet fandom, his movies represent the antithesis of everything the geek community asks for from a genre film - Boll lacks reverence for his source material, he distracts from limp dialogue with snazzy camera tricks and bad special effects and he insists by neccessity on extremely low budgets an dfast production turn-around.

And yet...and yet...These same fans will sing the praises of genre directors whose material isn't significantly better. Oh, sure, Kurt Wimmer won't overplay his hand like Boll. Equilibrium didn't boast a cast of B-movie all-stars and shots of extras hacking at a dead monk's corpse with swords, but it does feature lame, poorly-conceived action sequences and crappy facades made on the quick to simulate the distant future. Why praise Wimmer for succeeding beyond expectations and harp on Boll for having some stupid fun with the materials available to him?

I'm not trying to defend Boll as a filmmaker. Bloodrayne certainly deosn't warrant any kind of spirited defense as a movie. But as a piece of crap, it's nothing short of remarkable, the kind of movie that really ought to have an optional commentary track by Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo on the DVD. I mean...you guys...Michael Madsen has a swordfight against Meat Loaf in this movie! What else do you need to know?



Based on a video game I have never heard of or played, Bloodrayne tells the story of vampire-human hybrid Rayne (Terminator 3 villainess Kristanna Loken), a young girl just trying to make her own way in this crazy mixed up pseudo-Medieval fantasy world full of the undead. Like Marlo Thomas, only with a thirst for blood and slightly better at kung fu.

The script by Guinevere Turner is among the most obvious and plodding imaginable. The story doesn't so much progress as it does lurch around aimlessly within the world of the video game. Nothing develops naturally. If Turner needs Bloodrayne to receive some vital background information, she simply has a stranger wander by and start telling her things. Likewise, when Boll requires a love scene to break up the expositional monotony, he just has his heroine walk up to the nearest male cast member and start necking.

Rayne meets up with a psychic (Geraldine Chaplin) who tells her she must hunt down and kill the vampire who raped her mother and sired her, the cruel Kagan (Ben Kingsley). Kinglsey's made the interesting choice to not act in the role of Kagan, but instead to hang out on the set, staring off into space, occasionally reciting a line in between carefully considering whether he prefers Sun Chips or Fritos. Kevin Costner gives a livelier, more passionate performance in The Big Chill than Kingsley in this movie.

So, after Rayne discovers a vital clue in Scene 24, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, she meets up with some helpful vampire hunters, played by Michael Madsen at his doughiest, Michelle Rodriguez doing the worst English accent ever and Bland Hunky Guy #1. Then they all go and kill Ben Kingsley, but not before Rayne lets Hunky Guy lick her boobs and drinks from several golden goblets full of bodily fluid. It may sound complicated, but essentially this is a really bad Buffy episode with gratuitous nudity and gore in place of witty banter.

Or, really, any kind of banter at all. Reminiscent of Saturday morning cartoon shows, Turner's writing style has all the originality of a classic "Scooby Doo" episode combined with the penetrating insight into the human condition of a Guns N' Roses lyric. (I swear to God, Madsen, more than once, is given straight-up Fred dialogue..."Hey, gang, why don't you go check out that spooky abandoned castle? Michelle Rodriguez and I are gonna go look for vampire clues over by that barn!")

Did I mention that Michael Madsen has a sword fight against Meat Loaf?



I did? Well, I'm mentioning it again because it's so remarkable. The Battle Royale with Cheese, the final Earth-shattering contest to determine who can truly be called The Paunchiest Man in Bloodrayne, might well stand one day as the singular highlight of Uwe Boll's long and storied career. The sight of two fat middle-aged pseudo-actors slumping around pretending to be Flynn and Rathbone is Uwe's gift to the world, and I expect some goddamn gratitude!

In one corner, Madsen, star of ESPN's "Tilt," the man responsible for the least convincing performance in Sin City, a movie I'll remind you also featured James King, Brittany Murphy and Jessica Alba. In the other corner, The Loaf, Old Bitch Tits, wearing the wig and make-up left over from the "I Would Do Anything for Love" video. (Has it been long enough? Will Meat finally tell us the thing he wouldn't do for love? Is it "shower"?)

I won't tell you who vanquishes whom in the actual duel itself, but I will say that neither of these guys should ever pick up a sword for a movie again because watching them battle is like watching a panda bear fuck a koala bear. It's over quickly, kind of cute, but also very very wrong.

A customer in the store today proffered the theory that movies in which Billy Zane wears a hairpiece rule while movies in which Billy Zane appears bald suck. Well, if that's the case, Bloodrayne fucking rocks the house, because Billy's been outfitted with this Oustanding Achievement in the Field of Toupery.



Why would you even dream of fucking with Squinty Zane? It's a rule...You don't fuck with Squinty Zane. Because he'll go all Phantom on your ass. And you don't want that, my friend.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that you should go out and rent Bloodrayne immediately. Well, okay, wait until it actually comes out on DVD on Tuesday. But then, go rent in immediately and laugh at it and generally feel good about the world of foreign-made low-budget fantasy-horror based on forgettable PlayStation 2 games.