Ann Coulter's Confidential Report

So, while browsing around Townhall.com looking for columns to mock, I came across the following banner advertisement:



Oh, joy, some new screed by Ann Coulter. I can't wait.

I found the actual copy within the ad kind of intriguing, I must say. Let's try to read between the lines.

"Completely Original"

So, unlike some of her colleagues on the right, Ann promises that she didn't just cut and paste P.J. O'Rourke and Jonah Golberg columns and pass them off as her own writing. Good to know.

"Thoroughly Controversial"

Still chock full of racism and factual errors.

"Entirely Confidential"

See, this one's hard to get a handle on...How can a book be "entirely confidential"? She's publishing it, right? Anyone with a penchant for poorly-written virulently xenophobic rhetoric is free to pick up a copy and read the entire contents and his or her leisure. So it's not "entirely confidential." Quite the opposite, it's "available for public scrutiny."

Perhaps the ad means that Coulter won't announce a title or topic for her new book until it is released, kind of like when they don't let criticis review a new movie until it opens. She probably knows that everyone in the media who doesn't work for Fox or the Washington Times can't wait to pick apart every inaccuracy and outright flasehood that will surely permeate her new work, so releasing even its broadly-stated subject months before release would be a poor marketing strategy.

(Just look what happened to Ramesh Ponarru when he announced simply the title of his new book. I mean, granted, it's an incredibly dumb title, but I can understand why someone might be nervous about announcing their eliminationist manifesto's topic too soon).

What could the new Ann Coulter book cover that's so shocking? She's already called for the forced conversion to Christianity of millions of Arabs, insulted and slandered the Clintons and John Kerry and Howard Dean in every conceivable fashion and called for the execution of those on the opposite end of the political spectrum. We're talking about a woman so debased and ignominious, even Bill Maher pretty much keeps his distance these days. Bill Maher. A guy who hangs out at the Playboy Mansion so frequently, he's got his own locker in the Grotto.

Here are some possible titles:

Frisson: Ranting Against Traiterous Democrats Publicly Gives Me Intense Sexual Release

Sabotage: Why Diebold Will Have to Keep Stealing Elections Until You All Start Voting Correctly

Reason: Treacherous Liberals Using Rational Thought to Screw With Real Americans

Decapitation: A Guidebook for Secretly Lopping Off Harry Reid's Head Late at Night Without Anyone Being the Wiser