I Fought the Law and the Law Won

Or rather, I was going to fight the law, but the line was too long so I gave up and plead guilty.

Our story begins way way way back in early 2001. I was driving around, late night, in Beverly Hills. I don't recall what I was doing there, but I'm certain that I had a good reason at the time. A few days later, I receive a ticket in the mail. Apparently, I had ran a light while driving, and had my picture taken by one of those red-light undercover police camera jobs.

The photo was clearly me. I was upset about getting the ticket, of course, but also felt a sense of relief that I wasn't doing something even more illegal than running a red light in the accompanying photograph. At least I wasn't actively smoking herb while driving the car on this occasion, always a possibility in my immediately post-collegiate years.

So I sent in a check to the courthouse for over $250, not a paltry sum for me back in those days. (Nor today). And after a few weeks, the City of Beverly Hills actually sent my check back. They said that some sort of legal injunction had been placed on all the red-light camera tickets, and so my case was closed and I got to keep my money. Yippee!

Oh, dear readers...I was so innocent then. I had no idea of the beurocratic nightmare that would hound me for the next five years. Periodically after this incident, ever few months or so, I would receive threatening letters from the Beverly Hills Courthouse, implying that I had been a very naughty boy and failed to pay a traffic violation, an infraction that brought with it a fine of up to $500 extra and a one-way fare to Siberia to have all my toenails plucked out for sport by a homosexual gulag lifer named Sergei.

I would call the courthouse and chat with a representative about the situation, who would invariably inform me that the case had indeed been closed and that I would receive no further notices. Finally, my parents took matters into their own hands and scheduled me a court date for this morning.

Which is why I found myself, at 8 a.m., pulling my car into the Beverly Hills Courthouse in the midst of a torrential downpour. I was shocked and appalled to realize that you have to pay $5 to park at the Beverly Hills Courthouse, and that there is no nearby available street parking. I ask you...how can this be classified as anything other than extorition?

(1) I have no choice, legally, but to appear in court
(2) There is no parking near the courthouse except that which is available for $5
(3) Parking at a distance of a few blocks from the courthouse is available, but would require frequent and impossible trips in and out of the courtroom itself to "feed the meter"

Therefore, I have no option by law but to pay $5 for no good reason. Extortion! This would be the least distressing of the morning's discoveries.

The most distressing discovery was that I'd have to wait an egregiously long time before actually seeing a judge to present my case. I don't know how many of you have been to morning "traffic court," but allow me to describe the scene briefly.

The courtroom is filled up with all manner of defendants. Some of these defendants have already entered a plea of guilty or not guilty, and are awaiting a bench trial to decide whether or not they should have to pay their ticket. The rest of us were there to be arraigned, to state whether we are guilty or not guilty and to schedule a trial date if neccessary.

Now, I ask you, knowing just this tiny amount of information...who would you think would get to go first? Those people who will have to present involved, lengthy arguments to the judge? Or those people who just have to state "guilty" or "not guilty" and be on their way?

You guessed it...the trials go first. WHY? These people, the ones who want to cross-examine the police officers who gave them tickets and otherwise waste everyone's time, should go at the very end of the proceedings. Their shit takes forever, mine takes less than two minutes. (Seriously.)

So I had to wait around through 5 different traffic court trials. The effect was, in a word, maddening. In two words, it was goddamn maddening.

Most of the defendants went about their business quickly. Most of them (like a girl who had been cited for the confusing charge of being a "pedestrian in a roadway") just wanted clarification. One of them, an older gentleman, just wanted to apologize for his mistake in improperly using the center lane, and was rewarded by having his charge dismissed.

But this one asshole in a trenchcoat...Oh holy shit...This guy thought he was Rumple of the fucking Bailey or something. He'd been given a hefty ticket for making an unprotected left turn in the middle of Wilshire Boulveard, cutting off a good deal of opposing traffic that just happened to include a cop on a motorcycle. And he thought...well, I don't know what he thought. He thought he could undermine the cop's credibility by repeatedly asking him the same three questions on cross-examination, and replacing everyday words like "car" with theoretically fancier, more official versions like "vehicle."

"Officer, how far away were you when you first spotted my vehicle?"

"I can't say for certain. Probably about 50 feet. But you were in motion the entire time."

"And what is the sequence of traffic signals at this intersection?"

"It goes red, yellow, then green."

"And do you know the relative lane length on Wilshire Boulevard? I measured them myself late one night, using my legs at 3 feet per stride."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Officer, just one more question...Where were you when you first spotted my vehicle, and what is the sequence of lights at the nearest intersection?"

It just went on and on and on like this. And the judge, I suppose by law, had to keep asking the guy, "Are you finished presenting your defense or do you want to continue?"

So of course the guy just took this as an excuse to continue, endlessly making the same stupid, meritless arguments over and over again. I think he felt like his repetition would eventually make the cop appear confused or dumb, forgetting that the judge probably hears testimony from this cop every single day and already knows that he isn't dumb.

So that guy, and every other idiot who insisted on their right to a traffic court trial today, was found guilty. They were all clearly guilty. Why even bother to put up a fight, when you know you're guilty? Why shamelessly waste everyone's valuable time over a matter of $50?

But here's the big question of the day: WHY IN THE HELL DO THE TRIALS GO FIRST? WHY IS THIS MORON WHO THINKS HE'S PERRY MASON PERMITTED TO RUIN MY ENTIRE MORNING?

The arraignments took, collectively, 10 minutes. The judge lined us all up, asked us about our cases and let us know exactly what to do on the spot. I was put in kind of a quandary...

If I plead guilty to the charge, I only have to pay the original fine and not any of the additional penalties. And, to be perfectly honest, I was guilty as sin. I totally ran that red light, and the cops had photographic evidence to prove it.

However, because the charges had truthfully been dropped years before, there was a decent chance I could win the case and not have to pay anything. But in order to prove this to the court, I'd have to set an appointment to come back and have a trial.

Again, this seems like extortion to me. If they had simply allowed me to present an argument on the spot, or set a time when I could come back to the courthouse to plead my case without waiting around senselessly for hours, I would have taken the opportunity. And I might have gotten away for nothing. But, no...If I wanted a fair shot at justice, I'd have to waste a whole other day sitting around in this courtroom, putting up with bullshit. They ensure that you won't want to pursue your Constitutional rights by making the process unbearable, slow and inefficient.

So I paid the fine (or, rather, my Daddy did) and went on my way into the cold, wet Los Angeles afternoon. We had lunch at Factor's Deli and discussed, among other things, my idea for a new screenplay. A guy has to go to traffic court, and so distressed is he at having to wait around an dlisten to other people's idiotic trials for hours, that he verbally assaults the other defendants and the judge. His punishment? He's held in contempt of court and sentenced to 30 days in Lompoc. Hopefully, hilarity ensues.