The Christian Oscars?

Judging from the number of times God and Jesus are name-checked per acceptance speech, I kind of figured the Image Awards already served as an unofficial Christian Oscar ceremony. (Seriously, God gets more props at the Image Awards than Russell Simmons and Biggie together. That's a lot of props.)

But, no, MovieGuide Magazine had to come along and stake out their own claim to the title of Christian Oscars. Why a Christian Oscar Ceremony, you may ask? What the hell does being Christian have to do with reviewing movies, anyway? Another interesting question. Here's one...Instead of bestowing meaningless awards on Hollywood types who already have dozens of award shows for their mutual glorification, wouldn't it be more Christian for this organization to spend their time and money helping the less fortunate?

Anyway, shut up with all the questions and let me get to the Christian Oscars because this shit is hilarious.

Disney and Walden Media's THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE, the WB's 7TH HEAVEN, ABC-TV's EXTREME MAKEOVER: HOME EDITION, and PAX-TV's SUE THOMAS F.B. EYE won the three biggest honors at the 14th Annual MOVIEGUIDE® Faith & Values Awards Gala and Report to the Entertainment Industry, held in the Grand Ballroom of the Beverly Hilton Hotel last night.

The glittering event, also dubbed “The Christian Oscars,” was held just days before the 78th Annual Academy Awards in Hollywood and attracted more than 150 celebrities, Hollywood executives, producers, writers, and directors and their guests.

NOTE: This information is only credible if you consider Pat Boone to still be "a celebrity." If, like me, you consider guys like Pat Boone to be "a historical curiosity," then the number is probably a bit under 150. Anyway, the article doesn't go on to mention a single real celebrity who attended, leading me to believe that Boone and the kid from Millions was the best they could muster.

The main purpose of the annual event is to honor the studio executives, producers, directors, writers, actors, and actresses making the most morally uplifting, redemptive, inspiring movies and TV programs with positive Christian values and content, and to show Hollywood, and the world, that these kinds of movies and TV programs are among the most financially successful and popular every year.

So, that's the main purpose. The secondary purpose is to get really famous by bitching about "morality" and "values" and "content" publicly. By latching on to the enormous popularity of celebrities like once-semi-notable Chevrolet pitch-man and noted whackjob Pat Boone.

Since the MOVIEGUIDE® Awards began in 1992, the number of movies with positive Christian content and overt references to the Gospel of Jesus Christ has increased 374 percent (from 10.4 percent of the Top 250 movies produced by Hollywood to 49.3 percent of the Top 250)!

Holy shit! Those two occurances are definitely connected and not based around nonsensical, random numbers at all!

Also, if they're saying that 49.3% of Hollywood movies make overt references to the Gospels, that can't be a very strict definition of overt. If an alien surprises a Space Marine and he yells "Jesus Christ!," that does not count as an overt reference to the Gospels. Also, I guess you could count serial killer movies when the villain cites The Bible, but I'm not sure that's really the kind of Scripture the Movieguide Awards are hoping for.

Crystal Teddy Bear Awards were flying out the door at the special event. Every winning movie and TV program received one for each producer, executive producer, writer, director, and top studio executive responsible for producing it.

There were also a couple of special Crystal Teddies handed out.

Pat Boone, legendary singing star and actor, received a Special Lifetime Faith & Values Crystal Teddy Bear Award for Dedication to Redeeming the Values of the Mass Media of Entertainment. The Crystal Teddy was given to Pat for his "tireless and superior efforts over many years to redeem the values of the mass media and to present the truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ through the mass media."

Values like hating fags and not complaining when your factory moves to Mexico, giving you and your long-time employee buddies the shaft. You know, Jesus stuff.

TEN BEST 2005 FILM FOR FAMILIES (Best is first, etc.)
1. THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE
2. MADAGASCAR
3. DREAMER
4. MARCH OF THE PENGUINS
5. CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
6. ROBOTS
7. CHICKEN LITTLE
8. THE GREATEST GAME EVER PLAYED
9. SKY HIGH
10. VALIANT

Wow...Madagascar...Yikes. Not a great film. Kind of shrill, irritating. But I guess it's not a horrible list. Out of all these, I've only seen Madagascar, March of the Penguins, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Valiant. I was going to watch Robots, but the first 5 minutes were so chaotic and noisy, I think I developed hypertension. So I turned it off.

TEN BEST 2005 FILMS FOR MATURE AUDIENCES (Best is first, etc.)
1. PRIDE & PREJUDICE
2. BATMAN BEGINS
3. MILLIONS
4. THE INTERPRETER
5. THE GREAT RAID
6. THE ISLAND
7. THE NINTH DAY
8. CINDERELLA MAN
9. HITCH
10. DOWNFALL

The Interpreter is kind of an odd choice, huh? What's that doing there? Just a random, so-so thriller from the middle of the year. Strange...Also, Pride and Prejudice? Is it just cause it's about women who want to get married to a nice man and settle down? I would have thought Cinderella Man for sure. THAT'S the official safe, asshole pick for Best Film of 2005.

Also...Hitch? It says "mature audiences" right there in the headline. I don't think any movie where Will Smith kicks a girl in the face getting on a jet ski counts as "mature."

A Special Faith & Values Crystal Teddy Bear Award for Dedication to Helping People Around the World Understand God's Love for the Physically Challenged goes to Deanne Bray, star of SUE THOMAS: F.B. EYE, for her winsome, faithful, gracious, and wise efforts to help audiences and entertainers understand God's Love for the physically challenged.

I don't know this show...I gather it's about a physically challenged Private Investigator. Not a horrible idea for a show...

But this is SO LAME, this write-up. "understand God's Love for the physically challenged?" What the hell does that mean? Wouldn't it be just like God's love for a non-physically challenged woman? (Yes, in that neither one exists, but you get what I'm saying...) Why would God love a crippled person less? What kind of fucked up, cruel bully-type God do these people believe in anyway?

[Big ups to Pandagon for the link.]