Some Valentine's Day Top Ten Lists

Paris Hilton's Top Ten Valentine's Day Complaints

10. Already given all the good men STD's
9. Tempting boxes of chocolate make it difficult to remain on strict diet of lip skin and tanning lotion
8. In alcohol-induced haze, sometimes difficult to tell methamphetamines from little candy hearts
7. Only received Valentines from 4 of her last 200,000,000 conquests
6. That "Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown" special's a bit confusing and hard to follow...
5. Just a meaningless non-drinking-related occasion sandwiched between New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day
4. News stories about holiday observances briefly overshadow news stories about her vagina
3. Received a Vermont Teddy Bear, but not the Red Hot Redneck design
2. Enjoys getting a shot to the face, but not from Cupid's arrow, if you know what I mean
1. It only comes three times a year

The Top Ten Overlooked Holidays

10. Parking Enforcement Officer's Day
9. Sweathog's Day
8. All Qaida's Eve
7. Queen Latifah's Last Holiday
6. Take Your Great-Grandfather To Work Day
5. Post-Nasal Drip Awareness Day
4. Foxy Boxing Day
3. Nor Easter
2. Cinco de Yayo
1. The Day After Tomorrow

The Top Ten Least Romantic Date Ideas

10. A lovely gelato followed by a rousing Skinhead rally
9. A Very Special Evening With Emo Phillips at the Orange County Performing Arts Center
8. Free taping of the "Maury Povich" show
7. Wait for the next time they need to select a new Pope; then go take a chick to check that out
6. Three words: fat resin bowls
5. That gay cowboy thing's still in theaters, right?
4. Bury your girlfriend's pet hamster, then go hang out with some rich idiot in front of a big fireplace
3. Couples therapy
2. Quail hunting
1. Take-out Chinese and a home pregnancy test

The Top Ten Worst Names for the Concept Album You're Written About Your Girlfriend

10. Gesundheit, Baby
9. The Sex is Merely OK Computer
8. More Songs About Buildings, Food and That Bitch I'm Dating
7. Toby Keith: The Greatest Hits Collection
6. Wish You Weren't Here
5. Rocket to Gonorrhea
4. Bryman College Dropout
3. Smell the Glove
2. A Bridge Over Troubled Watersports
1. Songs in the Key of Get Out of My Life