Natasha Fatale

Sometimes, American pop culture feels like a John Waters movie. Like the cast of Pink Flamingos, our celebrities are in a race to the bottom. Who can have the most depraved "fall from grace" of all time.

First, Michael Jackson is accused of molesting kids. Then, Paula Poundstone is accused of adopting kids and then beating the crap out of them. Then, R. Kelly is videotaped urinating on a kid and causing a midget to defoul himself.

And now, Slums of Beverly Hills star and noted crack addict Natasha Lyonne is wanted by the police for threatening to sexually abuse her neighbor's dog. Do we have a winner?

Lyonne is facing a number of charges, including her alleged threat to sexually molest her former neighbor's dog during a 2004 altercation. She is also charged with criminal mischief, harassment and trespassing.

The Superficial rightly questions what kind of mind could think up this sort of threat. "What's the best way to communicate my anger in this situation? I know! I'll threaten to stick something up their beloved pet's anus!"

I'd add to this query another, related one. What kind of person calls the police after their neighbor threatens to touch their dog inappropriately? If someone said to me, "Hey, shut the hell up or I'll suck off your dog," my reaction wouldn't be to alert the authorities. After about 12 hours, once I finally stopped laughing, I'd probably write about it on the blog and that would be that.

I'm not going to take that sort of threat seriously. I'd suspect the actual dog-molesters don't go around declaring their intention to molest dogs. They just go for it when no one's looking.