Less Than Zero Period

I am a freaking genius. Years ago, back when I was in high school, I used to complain about school starting so early in the morning. I had zero period as well, because I was on the school newspaper, so classes began before 7 a.m. This is completely insane. Farmers and doughnut bakers need to be at work pre-7...The rest of the human world surely can wait a few hours.

To give you an idea about the free exchange of ideas in my home during my high school years, I will present to you the following scene, copied verbatim from my hazy memory of arguing with my father.

ME: School should start later.

DAD: Why?

ME: I'm always tired.

DAD: Go to bed earlier.

ME: No, it's not that...

DAD: If you're tired, you're not getting enough sleep.

ME: No, I get my best sleep in the morning, from like 5 to 9 am. I can go to sleep at 8 at night, but if I have to wake up at dawn, I'll still be tired.

DAD: Then go to bed at 7, and you won't be tired. End of story.

Alright, Dad...You win this round...

No one believed me. I think maybe because my folks wake up so early, they have lost their ability to discern a reasonable hour from an unreasonable one. Years of awaking before Conan has finished his monologue has permanently fried their internal alarm clocks. (It's true, kind of...My mom starts to officially get tired earlier in the day than I typically have removed all the crud from my eyelids.)

They just imagined that, as a shifty teenager, I was trying to get away with something by wanting to sleep in until a perfectly reasonable hour. As if my constant exhaustion were somehow due to late-night hits from the gravity bong instead of a desire to occasionally see how "The Commish" ends. (NOTE: I'm not saying that all teenagers are honest, nor fans of "The Commish"...Some high school students, I'm sure, would prefer school start later so they could fit in more 2 a.m. rips from the ol' gravity bong. Just not me. At least, not until college. And my parents, of course, would have known that.)

Anyway, now, years later, when this problem is no longer a major issue, I read this news item (4th article down):

Brain scientists want high schools to start later so teens can sleep

Research shows that body clocks run later in teens than in adults and younger kids: In teens, a sleep-inducing hormone doesn't start rising till 10 or 11 p.m. and doesn't let up till 8 a.m. Some high schools are starting later; others are considering it. Skeptical parents say adjusting the school day would 1) interfere with after-school jobs and 2) give in to teens who stay up late playing video games or chatting on the phone. But some scientists say 1) we should respect kids' sleep needs the way we respect their nutritional needs, and 2) sending them to school at 7 a.m. just teaches them to dope themselves with coffee.

Fucking exactly! Do I have to draw you people a picture?

And check out those evil "skeptical parents." Their children are exhausted, actual neurologists are suggesting this may be because of previously misunderstood quirks of the adolescent sleep cycle, and all they can offer is "play less video games!" Was my father perhaps consulted for this article?

"Tell them to stop talking on the phone until all hours, and they won't be so tired. Done!"