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Here's how I'd break down the video store customer demographics:

60%: normals

These are the typical, everyday people who just want to rent or buy movies. Many of the "normals" work shitty jobs for big, important Hollywood types, and could give a shit less about renting movies in the first place. This category also includes families, which while annoying, don't fit into any of the other categories.

20%: the retarded and criminally insane

Though many pass for normal in the outside world, we retail employees are thankfully provided complete and full access to the deeply disturbing inner worlds of some of Los Angeles' leading lunatics. Today, we had a man call and say that he had purchased some movies from us weeks ago, opened all of them, not watched any of them, and now he'd like to return them all for a full refund. A few minutes later, a regular customer called to ask us directions to CostCo. Earlier, a diminutive man with massive eyebrows and a speech impediment lectured me for 20 minutes about his dislike for Tim Burton, and a confrontation he once had with Tim Allen.

5%: confused foreigners

We get a lot of odd Europeans in the store who wander about aimlessly before asking us about movies that either have not been released in America, or do not exist in any form, in any country, ever. When we don't have these films, they often get indignant.

"You don't have Le Chateau de Les Aus Reivers du Tout la Vie en Magnifique? But they had plenty of copies the last time I was in Mozambique!"

Also, contrary to popular American stereotypes, these European people do not stink of B.O. They stink of bad cologne. It's totally different.

AND THE FINAL 15%...

Sad old men

It's a weird thing to be a relatively-young man and to work all day in a place filled with sad old men. It's like looking into a massively depressing time portal, like being the reverse-Wicked Queen from Snow White. "Who's the most egregiously overweight and unkempt of them all?"

We had one guy today...He's a regular, and he typifies this kind of customer, really. He's what I like to call a "Baskin-Robbins," which means he comes up to the counter and "orders" his rental movie, as if I'm just going to reach below the counter and magically produce the item he's been dreaming about. Instead, I'm just going to haul my ass down the aisle to find the box for whatever old movie he wants to see, because he's too lazy to do it for himself.

Anyway, today we were going through the usual routine, and the printer fucked up while releasing his receipt. This is not terribly shocking. The printers at the store fail more frequently than the control panel in Apollo 13. Israeli-Palestinian Peace Negotiations have a considerably high success rate when compared to our printing operations.

But I digress. The printer messed up, and I said, "Oh, I'm sorry...I've got to reprint your receipt, it will be a second." This was a lie, really. It was going to take a bit more than a second. And I really wasn't sorry. Despite what the owner might say, it's not my fault the printers feed improperly on occasion.

"Don't worry about it," the guy said. "I've got nowhere to go."

I thought he was kidding, so I kind of chuckled. To be honest with you all, I kind of hate my "work" persona, the guy I become when I'm helping customers. I'm not "friendly," exactly. Oh, I can be, with people I don't mind helping, just as I would be if you encountered me in normal, day-to-day living. But with customers I don't like, I just get really passive. I defer. And that's what I did in this case...Normally, I'd be like, "What the hell are you talking about? You want to spend all day standing around here watiing for this idiot piece of paper?" But, I was working, and one wants to be professional. So, I chuckled.

This was the wrong response, because he kept going.

"I'm serious, I have nothing to do with myself all day. I watch movies. I listen to beautiful music."

"Hey, that's something," I replied. And that's not an actual lie. It is something. And that thing is "pathetic."

But what else am I to say in this situation? "Hey, come on, dude...You've got lots to look forward to. I mean...there's the funeral for your last remaining friend. That's gonna be good. And, um, hmmm...Eventually, they'll probably stick you in some kind of Home or something, which means Beef-a-roni on Thursdays, hot steamy widow action and all the Basic Cable you can watch. So, that shit ain't bad, right? Plus, prescription drug coverage! Let's go get us some Vicodin!"

I should have said, "Don't tell me your problems, jackass!" or something, because I'd rather have not even heard this next sentence. This next sentence is the one that's going to keep me up nights.

WARNING: If you are a younger person who does not have an extensive plan for the rest of your life that would prevent extreme sadness and loneliness in your later years, I'd highly recommend not reading this next sentence and going on to some happier, more optimistic post. Like something about the Avian flu or Jeb Bush's Presidential prospects.

"Some days," this customer said, "I just walk around department stores all day to pass the time."

WOW.

Once, a few years ago, I was going to a wedding reception. Not an actual wedding, because this couple had eloped, but a party to celebrate their elope-itation, after the fact. I had some time to kill, so I went to a department store in Beverly Hills to get the my gift (martini and margarita glasses!) wrapped up all nice.

While I waited for the gift-wrappers, I had about 20 minutes to blow, so I moseyed around the store. I have never been more goddamn bored in my entire life. I ended up having to walk down one of the side streets off of Wilshire to find a coffee place (finding instead an overpriced French bakery) just to knock off the last 5 minutes or so. That's how boring it was in there.

So, before you go feeling all sorry for this guy, remember that walking around a department store is perhaps the lamest, most pathetic way to pass your time imaginable. This guy has two functioning feet, he manages to get into the video store under his own power. Go get a job, or volunteer somewhere. Something! The very existence of a sadsack like this guy makes me depressed!

So, for the benefit of Sad Little Larry Shoes and any other lonely, pear-shaped men with time to kill, I proudly present CRUSHED BY INERTIA'S TOP TEN BETTER WAYS TO SPEND YOUR RETIREMENT YEARS THAN WANDERING AROUND DEPARTMENT STORES

10. Write an insightful memoir, except instead of talking about sitting on your ass watching movies, write about how you kicked drugs all on your own while doing hard time and bleeding out of every orifice.

9. Start a new career in the adult film industry. Not as on-screen talent, obviously. Just some boring behind-the-scenes job. Then, the next time you're randomly in a conversation with some stranger in line at the bank, and they ask what you do for a living, you can say, "I'm the Executive Vice-President in Charge of Communication Services and Outreach Programs for Pump My Asshole Raw Entertainment." I'm going to go ahead and assume that's extremely satisfying.

8. Become a coke mule. You think DEA agents are going to suspect some fat old guy?

7. Go to Wyoming, apply for summer work herding sheep, see what develops.

6. Visit every Starbucks on Earth. (Oh, shit, some other idiot thought of that one already.)

5. Enlist. They probably wouldn't put your doughy ass on the front lines, but we're in the middle of a recruitment crisis. They'd find a place for you somewhere.

4. Join the liberal conspiracy. Each day, work to undermine traditional morality by punching pregnant women in the stomach, marrying gay people without a license and beating the shit out of any child who attempts to pray in public.

3. Continue to wander around department stores, but do it wearing nothing but a cock sock!

2. Start huffing gasoline. You know, just to see what all the fuss is about.

1. Donate your body to science. Then fucking kill yourself.