Does Jesus Even Like Head?

You guys all remember Brian "Head" Welch? He's the former Korn guitarist who left that massively-successful musical enterprise last year after finding his way to Jesus? It was a pretty hilarious turn of events, causing everyone who had been left behind to finally admit, begrudgingly, that Korn hadn't even been a cool band in the first place. (I guess no one bothered to inform Welch before he left his world-famous metal band that Jesus is fucking metal.)

Well, that old story just got a whole lot more hilarious.

Brian "Head" Welch has started his own website/blog to discuss life as a born-again Christian and to debut material from his new album coming in 2006! Hells yes!

Oh, and did I mention that Brian has chosen to name his new website HEADTOCHRIST.COM?

Okay, okay, remember to take a breath, Lons. Try to relax...Sorry, I just get a bit excited when a person, famous or otherwise, does anything this stupid.

As I see it, Bri-Bri probably thought he was giving his site a neat little double meaning. See, he's encouraging people to accept Jesus into their lives - to, in essence, "head" in the direction of Christ. But his guitarist nickname itself was Head, making the name a pun.

What Brian clearly forgot is that the #1 most common connotation of the phrase "head to BLANK" will be that the subject of the sentence is fellating the object. Regrettably, his URL is reminiscent of that classic Faith +1 song, "I want to get down on my knees and please Jesus..."

Brian's testimonial about his conversion, and the blog discussing the final preparations for his debut Christian rock CD, provide me with yet another perfect opportunity to discuss my massive problems with contemporary American religion. Check out this helpful excerpt:

Some scientists say that the number of stars in creation is equal to all the grains of sand on all the beaches of the world. yet this complex sea of spinning stars functions with remarkable order and efficiency. to say that the universe "just happened" or "evolved" requires more faith than to believe that god is behind it all. there's no doubt it my mind that god created the universe.

God did not need to create the universe; he chose to create it. why? god is love and love is best expressed towards something or someone else- so god created the world of an expression of his love. we should avoid reducing god's creation to just scientific terms that our minds can understand. god is a spirit. he is connected with us mainly by our hearts. it seems like our minds always have to understand everything but god asks us to lean not on our own understanding.

Brian, like a lot of other American religious nuts, apparently wants to completely do away with hundreds of years of scientific discovery. He's simply wishing it away. Now, I don't think that you have to believe everything scientists say, or even that I want everyone to believe what I believe about the world. But it would be nice if Brian even tried to pretend like he had given the issue some thought, instead of just automatically repeating the same old Medieval arguments for the existence of God.

Also, his atronomical knowledge is less than impressive. I'm no Ph.D. in physics or anything, but even I know that the universe is a place of order, but also a zone of intense, constant chaos. "Head" would have you believe that all objects orbit one another in perfect concentric circles, having been placed there by a perfect Supreme Being. But consider that asteroids collide with planets all the time, that matter is sucked into black holes never to reappear, that flaming collections of debris we call comets are flitting through the heavens at breakneck speeds, that even now, the stable-looking atmosphere in Venus is actually a whirling chemical collection of electrified, white-hot gases. What's the sense behind that, Head? Did God fart?

jesus is god. jesus is so real and anyone that doesn't believe that he is, should really find out on there own for sure before they just assume that he isn't. he will reveal himself to anyone that seeks him.

Seriously, you guys, this is totally for real...Go into your bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror for about 2 minutes, and then repeat Jesus' name three times. And he will totally fucking appear. Try it, it'll blow your mind.

To be honest, I feel kind of bad ripping Brian. He means well...He's just a poor addled junkie who found great financial success and reaffirming fame, only to discover that it didn't make him any happier. That must have been a very painful, shocking discovery, and I can sympathize with his attempt to provide his life with some kind of meaning, even if it's kind of a silly, intolerant one.

But then I read the following, rather long statement - the story of how Brian, a drugged-up wretch, found his way to a church that changed his life - and got seriously pissed off all over again.

The first time that I went to church I was up for 3 days but I didn't care because I was desperate. I felt like I was going insane but when I got to church and saw all the people with their eyes shut and their hands in the air shouting at nothing, i was like "these people are the crazy ones". But then I started to wonder.....was god real? It tripped me out that all the people were acting like fools and didn't care what anyone thought. It was so backwards to me because I made my living worrying about what people thought of me so much and I always tried to impress the crowd at any cost. There were so many people worshiping god that i started to realize they must have some kind of proof that he is alive. Why else would they all be here? Then the pastor came out and he was talking as if god was alive and involved in his everyday life. he said that god wanted to be involved in everyones life. I thought to myself "how can that be? he says there's only one god and there are billions of people on earth. If there is a god, how can that one god have time to care about and be involved with billions of people's lives? Either these guys are totally insane or i've been blind my hole life to what's really going on." Anyway, I decided to accept christ as my lord and savior that day and I went home to learn for myself if god was real. When I got home I went into my closet and got high and started talking to god.

What a fucking sheep. What a moron. He just goes to a church and figures, since these people don't seem to mind dancing around like idiots, that must mean there's a God!

I hate to say it, but this guy was better off in Korn. God help us all.