Okay...Everyone Just Stay Calm...

Are you sitting down? I have just received some urgent, extremely disturbing news...

It seems...according to US Weekly...Ashlee Simpson may possibly be sick.

WHY MUST IT ALWAYS BE THE GOOD ONES, LORD? WHY?

Ashlee begin to feel sick whilst on stage in Japan! After apologizing to the audience, she left the stage and actually collapsed!

...she told the audience she felt sick and said to them, "I love you guys," Us Weekly reported Friday. She then collapsed in an elevator and was rushed by ambulance to a hospital.

I think, after hearing news of this magnitude, there's only one question on any reasonable person's mind...

Did MTV get this shit on tape? We need Season 3, Ash Simp, like NOW!

Worse yet, Ashlee's had to cancel her performance at the upcoming Radio Music Awards. That does not make me want to la la.

Isn't it amazing that Ashlee Simpson is hugely popular in Japan? Do you think it's possible that there's just some really brilliant English-Japanese translator that has taken Ashlee's simpleton lyrics and crafted them into wonderful poetry in Asia? Like, in Japan, Ashlee is revered as the greatest songwriter of her time, with a mesmerizing soul-penetrating ability to put together memorable phrases and imagery, a la John Lennon or Bob Dylan? Or maybe bland teeny-bopper pop is just universal.

Anyway, the Simpson camp won't say what's behind Ashlee's illness, which almost assuredly means it's hepatitis if you asked me. Hey, you don't know where Ryan Cabrera's been. He clearly hasn't washed his hair in a few months...Here's hoping she's okay, and can go on with her magnificent, trailblazing career of amusing bitter, jaded 20-somethings with her juvenile, corporate-backed shenanigans.

The unknown faint-themed ailment is clearly an attempt to play on the old celebrity "I'm taking a break because of exhaustion" excuse. Which is always a lie. I mean, yes, technically, donig a shitload of heroin is exhausting...but that's an important detail you're leaving out there. Maybe Ashlee's taken up freebasing or something. With those fucked-up parents, you know she's into something bad. I mean, imagine having Pastor Joe as your Dad!



Must get awkward...What with him checking out your rack in public all the time.

My thanks to The Superficial for that awesome photo and the heads-up on Ashlee's illness.