These Are the People in Your Neighborhood

That headline's a reference to an old Sesame Street song. Remember that one? I think the whole song is that line repeated over and over again with the stress on different syllables. Like:

These are the peeeee-ple in your neighborhood
In your neighborhoooooood
In your neeeeeeeighborhood, yeah
These are the peeeee-ple in your neighborhood

Sounds grating now, but I must have liked it at age 5, so it stuck. I also remember the whole Pixie and Dixie theme song from the old "Huckleberry Hound" show. It's a curse, really.

Anyway, I have a few minutes before I have to leave for this party thing I'm going to (more later, unless something really upsetting or humiliating happens, which is always possible when I show my face in public). And this is a post I've wanted to write for a while...There are a bunch of other interesting places on the same block as Laser Blazer, the stretch of Pico Boulevard between Parnell St. and Prosser St. Prosser might be an Avenue. But Pico is a Boulevard. People have insisted to me before that roads are given these various names for an actual, sensible reason, but it seems random to me.

Newsstand

There's a newsstand on the corner, run by an older guy who sometimes comes into the store to get change. I wonder if people want to stop by and chat with him endlessly like they do at the video store? Does a newsstand guy have the expectation to make small talk with the customer like the retail employee in a repeat business like video rental? I stay up nights thinking about this stuff.

Subway

Next, there's a Subway sandwich shop. Sometimes, I'll go in there in the afternoon and get a Large soda, and then go back for the rest of my shift and refill the cup. The employees let me get away with shit like that, because I think they take pity on me. I'm pretty sure the Subway people are making more than I am, and there's a distinct chance that fewer insane people want to tell them all the minute details of their sad little lives, so I accept their pity in the form of multiple Dr. Pepper refills.

Buttercake Bakery

Right next to our store, there's this little boutique bakery place that is, quite frankly, incredibly awesome. I'll go in there for coffee, and on more than one occasion, I've actually avoided buying some sort of delicious baked good. But it doesn't always happen that way. The other day I had a lemon bar that was really great, and when it was all finished, I was left with that thin bakery tissue thing they wrap the lemon bars in, and it had lemon bar goo (the best part!) still stuck to it.

Now, if I were by myself, I'd have licked that fucking goo off of there in a heartbeat. But being in public, in front of an entire video store, having already stood there eating a bit lemon bar all by myself, I figured licking the paper would make me look like a goofy fatass with no willpower. Never mind that I had just had an entire lemon bar. No, no, it was licking the paper that would seal the deal. That was the difference between "working guy with a sleight weight problem treating himself to a snack with his coffee" and "obese moron adding to his unsightly layers of fat with another indulgent, sickeningly sweet confectionary with regard to neither proper retail decorum or his personal appearance." The paper.

So, I threw it away. And then felt very satisfied with myself. So I bought a package of Junior Mints. (Ha ha! Just kidding...maybe...)

Laser Blazer

The single greatest DVD store in the city of Los Angeles. And I'm not just saying that because I work there. I work there because I'm saying that. You see what I mean?

Right now we have this big promotion going on for the holidays, and...

Oh, sorry, Bill. For the Beloved Blessed Virgin Birth High Holy 12 Days of Christian Chrystmastyme Joyfullness.

Anyway, at Laser Blazer, we've got the brand new 1001 Must-Have Movie Section. It's pretty helpful, because once people step inside the store, they tend to completely forget whatever it was they were looking for. I see it all the time. That's seriously how good the selection is in our store - it immediately causes brain disease.

"Oh, I know I was going to ask you about a movie...Let's see...I have it written down somewhere, in the car...I think it was with Matt Damon...Why can't I remember what the hell...OH, is that Cool Hand Luke right there? I love that one...What the hell were we talking about?"

So now, all the really good movies are in one spot, and I can just lead customers over there and let them wander around for hours. It's great, like day care for overbearing DVD shoppers.

Some Karate Studio

The plot where the video store now stands was once a karate studio, which has since relocated down the street. So we still have beams around from which to hang punching bags, and lockers in the back in case one needed to change out of street clothes and into one of those white karate suits with the multicolored belts. (Are those called something? Robes? That's not very badass sounding...)

Sometimes, they'll take the classes out in the back of the store and do exercizes around the parking lot, and I'll have to veer my car carefully around a mob of 8 year olds punching invisible foes. Why do this with a class of kids learning karate? To teach them to remember their attack sequences even amidst distraction?

The head instructor sometimes comes and rents videos from the store. One time, he complained that he didn't like The Big Lebowski because it was filled with, and I quote, "mediocre jokes." This is why it's a good idea I don't own Laser Blazer...cause that sort of shenanigans would cause a lifetime banishment if I were in charge, and the place would go under within a month.

Intuition

At the dentist's office today, I saw that the clothing boutique Intuition, right down the street from The Blazer, has been cited as a location where elite celebs shop. Hey, it was in Los Angeles Magazine. Not Vogue or anything. What was I supposed to do? Someone else was reading the Newsweek, and I can't exactly start up a conversation with the elderly Korean ladies with me in the waiting room. I'd try, but I hate kimchee and most of them probably haven't seen Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance yet.

I'm not surprised it's a hot spot. I know Jessica Alba and the Hilton Sisters have been seen there by my co-workers. Ivan even had coffee in the bakery next door right next to Nikki Hilton the other day. She was apparently discussing her sister Paris' illegal city-bound pet monkey with a friend over some baked goods.

UPS Store

I have no funny stories about the UPS Store. I went there once to ship a care package to a friend in Texas, and that has been my only experience with them. It went well.

Hamdi Market

I think it's the Hamdi Market. It's Hamdi or Hambi or Hamadi or something like that. Anyway, I think it's run by some Ethiopians. It was when I first moved there, but now it's under new management, but I think they're still Ethiopian.

Under the old management, there were no set prices on anything. The guy would kind of make up the cost of whatever you brought up to him on the spot. Usually, you got screwed. I mean, if there are set prices, I can figure out..."Okay, the 20 ounce Cokes cost $2. I should stick to a can for only 75 cents...It's only 8 ounces less!" But you always want to bring up the 20 oz. just in case this is the time it's going for only $1.

Also, they used to serve awful Mexican food behind the counter, but they have since stopped.

Pharmacy/Post Office

The pharmacy on the corner is the most overpriced store I have ever been to in my life. The other day, I had a headache so I walked over there for some Advil. A little bottle cost $8. $8! There's no smack in there, just ibuprofin. I could hire an R&D team to invent for me a new pain reliever and take that for $8. I also once went over there to buy a can of Lysol (we use a lot of Lysol at the video store because a good number of our customers are smelly old fat guys) and it was $6. Lysol! It's just compressed, scented air.

The place does helpfully have a little postal annex in the back, which is useful for me to ship out Laserdiscs to weirdos all around the world. Any time a nerdy Norwegian guy orders an old collection of Fleischer cartoons, I'm there to wrap it up in a cardboard box, tightly seal it with a tape gun and walk it down the block to the post office. And you'd be surprised how many nerdy Northern European cartoon enthusiasts there are. Or maybe you wouldn't...Maybe you know all about that stuff.