Mr. & Mrs. Smith

It's impossible to talk about Mr. and Mrs. Smith without discussing one's feelings on Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. They are the entire movie. No attempt has been made to provide any level of entertainment or creativity beyond the casting of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, and the occasional dressing of the duo in sleepwear.

So, before we go any further, allow me to state the following for the record: I like Brad Pitt in certain films; he's not a terrible performer in the right role, and he tends to work with directors I find at least vaguely interesting (like Terry Gilliam or David Fincher or Steven Soderbergh). I think Angelina Jolie's a pretty terrible actress who also happens to be incredibly, stunningly attractive.



Brad looks befuddled. I, too, am befuddled by the vapid mess that is Mr. and Mrs. Smith. The ingredients are all there for, if not a good movie, at least a passably entertaining popcorn movie. Director Doug Liman helmed Swingers and the surprisingly watchable The Bourne Identity. Pitt and Jolie are beautiful people, dressed scantily and firing weapons at one another. As an added bonus, they got together in real life while making this movie. I don't know if you heard about that, but it was briefly in the newspapers this year.

And the premise is as promising as it is unoriginal:

A couple discovers after six years of marriage that they are both professional assassins, and that they are now tasked with killing one another.

That's what they call, in The Industry, a high-concept premise. It sounds like a mix between True Lies and The War of the Roses, and that's exactly what it is.

It's so high-concept, in fact, such a straightforward formula action-comedy set-up, that screenwriter Simon Kinberg didn't bother to actually write much of anything. Mr. and Mrs. Smith hits all of the beats you'd expect, it sets up scenarios and jokes and pays them off, but it's staggeringly stilted and dull. Honestly, despite starring the face that launched 1,000 copies of Vogue Magazine, the thing isn't even that sexy. One can only hope these two are hotter in real life than they are on screen in this shitkicker. Maybe they just have a mutual interest in starving orphans...

I will admit, to be fair, that the thing does pick up after a sluggish initial opening act. Liman has a fairly steady eye for action sequences, and he mercifully avoids that quick-cut blurry Ridley Scott crap that's ruining the Hollywood action film. Even though this thing ends in a bloated, explosives-heavy sequence that can be accurately described as "Bruckheimer-esque," Mr. and Mrs. Smith definitely works better as an action film than a comedy.

Occasionally, Vince Vaughn pops up as Pitt's co-assassin partner, and actually says a couple of funny lines. But otherwise, the movie just doesn't connect. I think the main characters, John and Jane Smith (Pitt and Jolie) are the main problem. Okay, fine, they are assassins. They are cold and cruel and nihilistic. That's one thing. But on top of that, they don't even care about each other until the very end of the film. Their marriage has grown stale at the opening, they're bored with one another, and so, of course, so are we. Even once the reveal has been made - they're professional killers! - their personalities don't get any more interesting.

They just don't care about anything but murder. That they eventually stop trying to kill one another and focus their bloodlust outward doesn't really make this problem any better.