Gratuitous Annual Thanksgiving Post

Some guy came in the video store the other day, and as he was leaving with his rentals, he said, "Have a happy Turkey Holocaust Day, you guys." We get morons like that in there all the damn time. It's getting to the point where I don't go 30 minutes without hearing some sort of dumbassery. Also, no one knows the alphabet. You just assume everyone knows the alphabet, but then you work at a store that requires knowledge of standard letter sequence, and you realize that this thing we call "literacy" is not so much a concrete idea as a vague categorization.

I don't really buy into the whole "it's wrong to eat turkey" idea. Or "it's wrong to eat animals." Or, "it's wrong to eat animals all the time, particularly if they have been fried and slathered in some kind of tomato-based sauce and coated with cheese made from their own vital bodily juices." I don't believe in God, but if I did believe in God, the fact that there are all these animals around that are dumber than we are, and that their flesh when cooked is delicious and provides essential proteins and nutrients, that would be pretty sound evidence to back up my case. I mean, there has to be some kind of Intelligent Designer, right? Bacon is goddamn delicious.

The folks at PETA, particularly pseudo-celebrity spokesperson Moby, respectfully disagree. They think that, and I quote, "there is no proper way to kill and cook these birds."

Really? No proper way? None at all? I mean, if I allow a turkey to live a long, healthy, contented turkey life of about 4 or 5 years, then painlessly kill it with a rifle from afar, and then serve it to my family, you're telling me that's not a proper way to kill that bird? It's a fucking bird! It doesn't know it's going to die. You know small a bird's brain is? It's so small, we actually use the concept as a term to describe being really stupid!

I agree that the conditions in which many animals live are fairly appalling. I've seen footage of slaughter-houses that has, in fact, made me briefly consider giving up meat, before ordering a double pepperoni and sausage pizza with a side of bacon cheddar potato wedges an hour later. Hey, I'm sorry. I like animals, they're cute and all, but they are incredibly tasty, and many of them go great with beer.

I will say that I am conflicted about the idea. I mean, anyone who has owned a dog will tell you that an animal doesn't need to be smart to deserve a happy life. I mean, dogs are stupid. Really stupid. But incredibly lovable. And, whatever it is that we consider to be a person's "soul," well, dogs have those too. There's life behind their eyes, they have personalities, they have memories, they feel pain...I mean, it's an animal, but you wouldn't squish it like a disgusting bug that you happened to find in your kitchen, in the exact spot you like to prepare your grilled cheese sandwiches.

Fortunately, this is not Southwest America not Southeast Asia, so in all likelihood I'll never be called on to actually squish and then consume a dog. (Sorry...cheap shot...) But pigs and cows aren't really all that different. Chickens and turkeys and ducks and, if you're a snooty blueblood New Englander or British aristocracy, quails and pheasants, I think, ought to be a gimme. Come on! Look at a chicken! It's a fucking ignoramus! You don't feel bad about eating string beans, and they have about as much personality and sense of self as a duck. Except Daffy and Donald Duck and, to a lesser extent, Huey Dewey and Louie. And Uncle Scrooge in those old Carl Banks comics.

Did you know there was once a chicken named Mike the Headless Wonder Chicken who, starting in 1945, lived for 18 months without a head? That's the kind of animal I think everyone should be able to eat guilt-free.

Vegans like quasi-celebrity Moby won't even eat fish. I mean...Please. Broccolli, fish, same shit as far as I'm concerned. Technically alive, but about as responsible to external stimuli as Hef's penis during a Viagra shortage. (Ewww...Did I really just make a Viagra joke? I think I'm gonna shut down the whole blog for a while. I've clearly run entirely out of steam.)

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Seriously

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A viagra joke. I swore when I started this blog that I would never make a Viagra joke.

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Okay, this post has derailed. I'm gonna just put an end to it. Suffice it to say, I can go either way on the whole animal rights issue. I'm glad PETA is out there throwing shit at Anna Wintour. Because, let's face it, someone has to. Can we get a shot of that?



Yeah, that's the good stuff. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.