U-C-L-A Fight Fight Fight

As many of you know, I studied as an undergrad at UCLA. It's a major athletics school, which was unfortunate for me, because in addition to failing miserably whenever I attempt to play sports, I'm also not interested in watching them or talking about them incessantly with everyone you meet on a daily basis.

All the same, I'm going to go ahead and implore you to vote for Joe Bruin here in ESPN/Capital One's All-American Mascot Competition. You see, they're going to declare the #1 Mascot in the nation based on voting in a series of head-to-head match-ups.

This week, UCLA's own Joe Bruin goes up against the University of Nebraska's Herbie Husker.

Cause, you know...they're the Cornhuskers.

I have to say, I've never been the biggest fan of Joe Bruin as a mascot.

Mainly because it reminds me of the sad legacy of UCLA's entire "Bruin" team name. You see, when UCLA was first constructed, way back in the 20's, it was a satellite campus of Berkeley, a "branch" if you will. And because Berkeley is the Golden Bears, UCLA became "The Bruins," or baby bears.

Now, obviously, UCLA has surpassed Berkeley in just about every category, save possibly "nude hippies per capita." Granted, Berkeley sits in a far far far cooler city. No one's denying it's more fun going to school where you can get old punk LP's and quality hashish on every street corner, rather than in the middle of Westwood, where the only potential thrill is that you'll get lucky and spot Corey Haim coming out of Fatburger.

I just mean in terms of the school itself, school spirit, all that noise. UCLA isn't really Berkeley's kid brother any more, so why should our mascot be a baby-fied version of their mascot. I say, fine, you want to keep the bear theme, that's okay. But make us the Grizzlies. Or the Kodiaks. Or, I don't know, the Massive Thorn-Covered Ursine Members. But not the Baby Bears. It just isn't manly.

I also don't like the way Joe Bruin looks.



Okay, see, he looks like he's on his way to the Teddy Bear's Picnic, not a football game. I don't care what you say - it's wrong to put a proud wildlife creature in little tight running shorts like that. Give Joe Bruin some dignity.



You see what I mean? He even looks like a little kid. There's a school out there that's called the Demon Deacons! That's their mascot - a religious leader possessed by the Devil! And we're coming with this plush doll in a jersey! No wonder UCLA gets creamed all the time!

Um, but anyway, you should still totally go vote for Joe Bruin at that ESPN poll thing. I'll even give you the link again. Cause, you know, I'd personally really appreciate it, to add some meaning to my otherwise dreary life. And my friend Brad, who sent me the link, regards it as a categorical imperative.