Mindhunters

After watching National Treasure, I recall having a conversation with my co-worker, Ivan, about puzzle movies. I commented that it would be incredibly difficult for me to write a movie in which the characters had to continually solve logic problems to move the story forward.

Mainly because I always find those scenes silly when I watch movies. I always think of that "South Park" episode where the detective solves the case using tortured, illogical clues. "Jackets...You wear a jacket when it's cold out...It's cold in Iceland...Many cities in Iceland are powered by hot springs...The killer is at the sauna!"

But also because it would be hard to sit down and think of five or six really satisfying, challenging but solvable puzzles. Usually, these kinds of movies get around that problem by cheating - they provide incomplete riddles, or ones that are unsolvable, or that don't actually make sense when you go back and consider them practically.

And that brings us to Renny Harlin's ludicrous 2004 film Mindhunters, which was delayed repeatedly in theaters before coming out essentially direct-to-DVD.



Mindhunters trots out a story that will be familiar to fans of the puzzle/serial killer genre (and to Renny Harlin fans, should there be any, as he's made this film at least two or three times before).

A team of FBI trainees, all on the path to becoming serial killer profilers, must undergo a radical test designed by a legendarily devious former agent (Val Kilmer in a glorified cameo). One of them is played by Christian Slater, another by Jonny Lee Miller (ex-Mr. Angelina Jolie and Sick Boy from Trainspotting) but none of them has a personality more complex than "The One in the Wheelchair".

Deep Blue Sea alum LL Cool J comes along for the ride as a Department of Justice investigator overseeing Kilmer's project. Cool James tries his best to add some humor to the proceedings, but is given very little to do outside of displaying his swollen guns for the ladies.

They are all dropped on a desolate island, an island fashioned to look like a deserted neighborhood and designed specifically for FBI and Navy simulations, with no way of communicating with the outside world.

Then, they will be led to a crime scene and asked to conduct an investigation. After a weekend, the team will report back with a report that includes a suspect and details of his crimes.

Soon enough, of course, the team members themselves are killed off one by one. At first, naturally, they suspect this is part of the exercize, but the deaths sure do look real. (Rare props here to Harlin for actually giving us some real gore in a mainstream horror movie, for once. Not all the deaths are logical, but they are all at least somewhat disgusting, particularly a sequence featuring an acid-laden cigarette with some kickass make-up effects).

It's a generic set-up for a movie, but that's not neccessarily a bad thing. I could see a pretty solid thriller being made from this exact material. The trouble is that Harlin is a clumsy director and the script by Wayne Kramer and Kevin Brobin refuses to play by any sort of rules.

Harlin is frequently held up as Hollywood's worst working director, and though I can think of a few I like less (Paul W. S. Anderson, Zach Braff, Joel Schumacher), I can't think of any who try harder and yet so consistantly fail.

The constant interjection of weird, spazzy camera tricks, loud and inappropriate sound effects, jarring and awkward montages, cheesy one-liners and unneccessary effects sequences that define Harlin's style just tire me out instantly. It's like being told an elaborate but nonsensical story by a desperate speed freak, trying in earnest to win your approval.

Some of his movies succeed in spite of themselves - like Cliffhanger or Long Kiss Goodnight or even Deep Blue Sea, although it's still not very good. They are so silly, so hyperactive and campy that it's almost endearing. But for the most part, Harlin's an abysmal storyteller, overbearing and juvenile to no end.

And the script for Mindhunters doesn't exactly do him any favors. This movie is dumb with a capital D. And even a capital B, just for extra emphasis. Take, for example, the killer's trademark. He's known as "The Puppeteer," because after he kills his victims, he strings them up with fish hooks and dangles them from the ceiling like marionettes. At one point, one of the corpses springs to life via an elaborate pulley mechanism and does a fancy little dance.

I think this is supposed to be scary, but it's just really goofy. Really. It elicited a big laugh from yours truly, anyway.

Also, the thing is full of logical inconsistancies. Give us an example, you ask? Okay, how about this...In one scene, the killer has set up an elabrote death for one of the agents, in which a line of dominoes will fall over triggering a Rube Goldberg-esque chain reaction that turns quickly lethal. In addition to ripping off Final Destination, the scene makes no sense at all.

Imagine you're an FBI profiler, you're investigating a murder scene, and someone sets off a line of dominoes. Would you stand around and gawk at the falling dominoes, wondering what will happen next, or would you stop the dominoes from falling and just, I don't know, look around for what might be about to happen?

I mean, it's not like it's really hard to figure out what chain reaction someone has set up with some fucking dominoes. In this partiuclar case, as well, the "mouse trap" mechanism is clearly visible before the trap is actually sprung. These people are supposed to be brilliant forensic investigators. That's just dumb!

There are plenty more examples, but why go into such nitpicky details? The movie is wholly unconvincing from beginning to end. And the "twist" conclusion is extremely arbitrary. No real clues are provided at all during the action that would allow you to actually figure out the ending. It's just a crap shoot - one character is going to turn out to randomly be a killer with an incredibly agile yet psychotic mind, amazing and unknown skill sets and lightning-fast reflexes, and there's no way you can figure out which character until they're almost all dead.

Unfortunately, there's so much going on in this "story," Harlin has no time to explore the setting, develop a character or two, or really do much of anything. The plot is moving constantly, and for the most part, the actors look as if they don't know what to do. So they sit around and explain the story to one another repeatedly.

"There's no way off this island."
"We're the only ones here."
"So one of us is a killer."
"Well it's not me."
"We should split up."
"How do I know you're not a killer?"
"Oh my god, it's another clue!"

Yawn.

The serial killer genre is one that I greatly enjoy, but it's in a serious rut. Someone needs to come along and just completely reinvent this type of movie, like Jonathan Demme did with Silence of the Lambs. Here's a humble suggestion - write a killer who actually wants to get away with it, rather than toy with some FBI agents for a while. Oh, and if you're lucky enough to get Val Kilmer to be in your movie, don't sideline him after the first 10 minutes, okay? (NOTE: That's not a spoiler. Kilmer doesn't die right away, he's just written out of the story.)