George W.'s Hitting the Sauce!

How can the National Enquirer get away with this? Seriously, I know the tabloids make stuff up all the time and all. Ffor example, Lindsay Lohan was never on a lot of cocaine that caused her to shrivel up until she closely resembled a Muppet with 3rd Degree burns...She was just on a diet. Plus, it was an optical illusion.

Okay, so sarcasm aside, I get that the tabloids sometimes include half-truths or rumors. But unless this is true...isn't it slander?

Faced with the biggest crisis of his political life, President Bush has hit the bottle again, The National Enquirer can reveal.

Bush, who said he quit drinking the morning after his 40th birthday, has started boozing amid the Katrina catastrophe.

Family sources have told how the 59-year-old president was caught by First Lady Laura downing a shot of booze at their family ranch in Crawford, Texas, when he learned of the hurricane disaster.

Okay, as much as I'd like to believe it, if only for comedic purposes, I somehow doubt the veracity of this story.

Like, for example, who could have possibly known about this who would tell the National Enquirer or all places? In the story, it's just Laura walking in on George drinking...Are we to believe Laura Bush, the First Lady, just called up some distant family friends who then gabbed to the Enquirer? I don't know if the magazine's publishers have noticed, but the Bushes are kind of media savvy...makes it kind of unlikely.

Also, the story is so non-specific. Bush had a shot of...booze? What kind? What's George's brand? I'm thinking he would probably say he's a Wild Turkey man or something, but he does pretend to be a Texan, so maybe he only drinks bullshots.

"When the levees broke in New Orleans, it apparently made him reach for a shot," said one insider. "He poured himself a Texas-sized shot of straight whiskey and tossed it back. The First Lady was shocked and shouted: "Stop George!"

"Laura gave him an ultimatum before, 'It's Jim Beam or me.' She doesn't want to replay that nightmare — especially now when it's such tough going for her husband."

Okay, if I have any Texan readers, I need your help...what's a "Texas-sized" shot of straight whiskey? I have seen commemorative Texas State shot glasses before, and they seem to be the same size as a traditional shot glass. How much whiskey do you guys need to ingest in one gulp in order to feel manly, exactly?

Also, if I were presented the choice between Jim Beam and Laura Bush...I can't be 100% sure, but I think I'd go with the Jim Beam. Cause she's not really that hot. And Jim Beam will get you royally fux0red.

Another source said: "I'm only surprised to hear that he hadn't taken a shot sooner. Before Katrina, he was at his wit's end. I've known him for years. He's been a good ol' Texas boy forever. George had a drinking problem for years that most professionals would say needed therapy. He doesn't believe in it [therapy], he never got it. He drank his way through his youth, through college and well into his thirties. Everyone's drinking around him."

Dude, this article is so awesome. I so wish this were true. It's actually kind of complimentary to the President, when you think about it. It gives him a soul. To hear The Enquirer tell it, he's a conflicted, guilt-ridden man who drinks in order to quiet his inner demons. In reality, I think he's probably far too heartless and disconnected to actually care about much of anything at this point, except not getting yelled at by Cheney for leaving his toys out on the Oval Office carpet.

Another source said: "A family member told me they fear George is 'falling apart.' The First Lady has been assigned the job of gatekeeper." Bush's history of drinking dates back to his youth. Speaking of his time as a young man in the National Guard, he has said: "One thing I remember, and I'm most proud of, is my drinking and partying. Those were the days my friends. Those were the good old days!"

Did he really say that? It must have been before he sobered up, but who was even bothering to interview the guy back then? I mean, besides his arresting officers?

Dr. Justin Frank, a Washington D.C. psychiatrist and author of Bush On The Couch: Inside The Mind Of The President, told The National Enquirer: "I do think that Bush is drinking again. Alcoholics who are not in any program, like the President, have a hard time when stress gets to be great."

"I think it's a concern that Bush disappears during times of stress. He spends so much time on his ranch. It's very frightening."

Justin Frank's this psychiatrist who wrote a very specious book on the President, in which he claimed that Bush's demeanor in public evidences a variety of severe mental disorders. Though I have called Bush a sociopath here on the blog before, I'm just some snarky guy and I know you people take it wiht a grain of salt. I don't propose to actually diagnose psychological disorders via the Internets.

I think, once Bush is no longer President, this whole thing would make a great ad for Jim Beam. You've got Bush sitting in his ranch at Crawford, cowboy hat barely covering the flopsweat from his brow. He's slugging a shot of Jim Beam and pouring himself another one.

Laura enters from the other room.

"Now, George, I thought you'd given up the drinking."

"Leave me alone, woman. I ain't president no more!" responds George before slugging another shot.

We see the Jim Beam logo and hear the tagline..."You think you've got problems? Talk 'em over with some Jim Beam..."

I'm telling you, that stuff will sell like freedom fries. Trust me.