Chick Flicks

Awesomely bizarre Christian whackjob site to show you guys tonight. This guy I've never heard of before, Jack T. Chick, has made a lot of money over the years selling yokels Jesus-themed cartoon books and DVD's.

His website talks a lot about his special gospel-relating skills. I believe it was Mr. Napoleon Dynamite who said it best..."Chicks only want to go out with guys who have awesome skills!"

Before you can share the gospel with someone, you must first get their attention. The world knows how to get and hold people's attention... with pictures! Television, movies, videos, comics, etc. Chick tracts use the same technique, using irresistible cartoon pictures to grab the reader's attention.

Of course! What better way to communicate the complex ideas of salvation through the living embodiment of God than with cartoons!

Once attracted by the cartoon, people are drawn into Chick tracts by the interesting real-life or dramatic stories. The combination of dramatic stories and cartoons make Chick tracts irresistible.

Just like Marmaduke!

Here's the stuff you really have to check out though. They have some clips here from their cartoon Bible video...Dude, this shit is totally sweet.

First of all, they make it sound like the thing is animated, but it's not. It's actually still pictures that they pan across while a narrator reads simplified Bible passages aloud in a booming, resonant, condescending voice, as you'd recite safety instructions to a 5 year old.

"Don't ride the tricycle into the street! Try not to run into your sister! Stay here for a second whiel Mommy goes inside to get another cocktail!"

It's so cheap. People are gonna feel ripped off. It's 78 minutes long and it's $20! You can buy a real movie for that. If you just gotta have Jesus in there, hell, get Jesus Christ Superstar or something. Oh, oh, or Life of Brian.

This one was my favorite video. It's entiteld "Lake of Fire." It's a very basic cartoon drawing of hell, complete with lava and stalagtites and people who seem to have some kind of lingering gastrointestinal problem.

Maybe you hardcore Christian weirdos can help me out with this...what's the real deal with Hell. Are you eternally miserable, in agonizing pain, all the time? Like, no breaks? Isn't that kind of a bummer for the imps that have to torture you? Or do they have some kind of trade-off system? Because an eternity of torturing lost souls would be almost as sucky as an eternity of being tortured, if you think about it.

Also, I've noticed that in a lot of drawings of Hell, people are being eaten alive or burned alive or buried in sulfur and the like...Even the Chick Video there mentions a "second death" once you arrive in Hell. So, are you, like, resurrected every time they kill you in Hell? And if so, doesn't that kind of intrude on Jesus' territory? I mean, if anyone can resurrect themselves once they've died the first time, then there's nothing special about the Lamb of God doing it on the First Easter, right?

Something to think about.

The video also features these ridiculous sound effects of screams and fire and stuff. And at the end, there's a maniacal laugh that I think is supposed to be Satan, but it sounds way more like Jabba the Hut.

"Ohhhh-hoo-hooo-hooo, Solo, gabba noggi naka doo Eternal Hellfire...ohhhh-hooo-hooo-hooo"

And there's that narrator. "Please, please, repent now before you get sent....to this awful place." If you watch this video and find yourself considering a conversion to Christianity, I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to please step into traffic at your earliest convenience. We've no more need for your kind on the planet, thanks...we've got plenty already....

I've really been enjoying this site. I mean, how can you not love a website featuring the following advertising slogan:

You can almost feel the crackling flames of hell as you watch!

Actually, when I saw that, I thought the site must be a hoax. That's too over-the-top, even for the wackiest of wacky Christian wackos. But, no, a Google search confirms this dude is for real, and apparently quite well known in comic book and Christian moron circles for decades.

A lot of attention is paid to Chick on the Web because of his anti-Catholic and anti-Islam stance. Here's a few sample quotes from the website:

Since Islam came along many centuries after Christianity, Islam has the burden of proof and not Christianity. The Bible tests and judges the Qur'an. When the Bible and The Qur'an contradict each other, the Bible must logically be given first place as the older authority. The Qur'an is in error until it proves itself.

Whoa, man...whoa...By this logic, whatever is oldest has "authority." So, I guess we should all worship Isis? Or read that Gilgamesh poem?

After much prayer, he made the decision that, no matter what it cost him personally, he would publish the truth that Roman Catholicism is not Christian. He did it because he loves Catholics and wants them to be saved through faith in Jesus, not trusting in religious liturgy and sacraments.

You see where I'm going with this...Home skillet is a narrow-minded crazed hate-monger who wants to use cartoons to indoctrinate children and those with Gump-like levels of intelligence and the patience of a coked-up Tasmanian Devil. Perhaps it's not too early for 2006 Braffy nominations...