The World of Tomorrow!

Just like those guys in Primer, I have fashioned a time machine out of spare parts. I will now use it to go ahead in time to tomorrow night, and watch President Bush's press conference on Social Security...

...

Okay, I'm back. Whew, what a trip. It's not easy getting my car up to 88 miles an hour in LA during rush hour, mind you.

And now, I present the full transcript of Bush's speech tomorrow night, in which he will try to sell the American people on a Social Security plan that almost anyone paying attention realizes is unneccessary and wouldn't work even if it was neccessary.

"My fellow Americans, we are about to die. I mean, not right now, this second. I'm gonna have to give this whole speech. Then I think I'll have some dinner, and maybe play with Buster, but I'm not sure if I'll have that much time. I think I gotta meet with some foreigner first, and they sometimes talk a whole lot about really boring stuff I don't care about. It's like, wow, I'm so sorry I don't speak Frenchie.

"But, you know, we're gonna die soon. Cause of the terrorists who hate our freedom. And, you know, Jesus.

"But before we die, we owe something to this great nation. We owe our nation the gift of fiscal slovency...solvang...slav...solvency...Yeah, that's the one, slovency. Anyway, we owe it to ourselves to fix this dang Social Security problem.

"Because, did you know that, by the year 2028, our Social Security system will stop working completely? It's true! By 2030, the situation will have grown so bad, old people will be removed forcibly from their houses and fed to cannibal Democrats in the Senate. Because, I don't know if you knew this, but Democratic Senators eat babies. I'm not saying I know this for sure, but a guy told me that once, a good Christian guy, and I have no reason not to trust him. I mean, Al Gore said he invented the Internet...these guys are capable of anything.

"So, back to what I was talking about...the Texas Rangers...Here's why they're the most kickass team in the country. They've got pitching...

"Oh, wait, I mean, I was talking about Social Security. Because I care about people, um, in my heart. And we need to strengthen Social Security so that it can keep going strong. And the only way to do that is to decrease everyone's checks every month and give the savings to rich people.
"A child could figure it out, it's so obvious. Rich people are better than everyone else, so when you give them money, you reward them for being better. And then, because they're so much better, they create jobs for the non-better, other Americans, like you. Don't ask me how, folks, cause I don't know, but they just make 'em. Right outta thin air, I seen 'em do it.

"So it may seem unfair, but that's just because you're not smart enough to understand how it works. Social Security is easy to solve, just like the war in Iraq. I mean, I sure fixed that sucker right up, right! They're all votin' and listening to their rock music outside, man, it's great. I'm gonna go buy a ranch there or something, once they all take a break from burning me in effigy.

"I'm just gonna sum up here and get on my way. I really want to catch the 'CSI' rerun later on TNT, and then I've got about 100 George Strait songs to add to my iPod...You guys get one of those? Man, those things is neat...So real quick like, here's the GOP-approved appropriate thought rundown for this week:

"Social Security bad, my plan good, Iraq good, Saddam Hussein bad, French people bad, Wal-Mart good, Terri Schiavo good, Michael Schiavo bad, Pope John Paul II really really good, Pope Joe "Ratso" Ratzinger good, Ann Coulter good and super-hot, Michael Moore fat.

"Peace, I'm out."

I hope I didn't create any rifts in space-time. None of you have disappeared or turned into a robot or developed fins or anything, right? Okay, just making sure.

Oh, and before I go, while we're on the subject of villainous Republican blowhards (and when am I not on that subject?), here's a charmingly racist item from Michelle Malkin's blog, sent to me by a mysterious and shadowy e-mailer identifying himself only as Kaz.

It all starts with a photograph of an LA billboard:



I live in LA, and I haven't ever seen this billboard. Which is kind of the point. Being an English-speaking gringo, I'm not the target demographic for this advertisement. It's obviously meant to reflect something very simple...that for the many Spanish-speaking, Mexican people living in Los Angeles, Channel 62 offers a more personalized, familiar type of newscast. It's like taking a foreign land (LA) and making it more like home (Mexico).

But for the xenophobic and hate-filled Michelle Malkin, this billboard is in indication of everything wrong with America. Here's what she had to say:

I could write whole treatises on how American sovereignty is being undermined by our own open borders capitulationists and stability fetishists. But these photos say it all for me.

I should add, before I proceed to rip Michelle Malkin apart, that the other photo to which she's referring is one of Bush holding hands with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah bin Abdul Azizof. So, I agree with her on one point - that our president coddling the government of Saudi Arabia makes no sense and works against the safety, security and well-being of his fellow Americans.

But on the other point...oh, man...What kind of crazy person do you have to be to see a foreign-language news broadcast as a threat to English-speaking hegemony in America? I mean, I know Malkin's a nutbag, a half-Japanese woman who defends Japanese internment during WWII. I know she fears foreigners and their influence on American culture. And I know she relies on ignorant fools buying her books because they like her thinly-veiled racist attitude.

But to see that picture and think "threat to American sovereignty"? They're not actually saying that Los Angeles is part of Mexico (although, if you want to get historically accurate about it...) They're saying that it's your city ("you" being "Mexican immigrant") so you deserve to hear about it in your language reported by people who look like you.

That's it.

And isn't that true? Doesn't it make sense that Mexicans living in LA would have their own news broadcast? And that they would think of LA as their home just like all the English-speaking, Malkin-approved whites do?

The Poor Man commented thusly on Malkin's nonsensical ravings, with his usual bravado:

Note the way “CA” is defiantly crossed out and “Mexico” is shamelessly graffiti’ed on in red, clearly symbolizing the blood of slaughtered Americans, or possibly salsa. Observe the sly smirk worn by the man on the left, which practically screams “I don’t need no stinking green card to seduce your daughter in my uninsured 1978 El Camino, señor.” Finally, wonder at the cojoñes it must take to come right out and say “Tu Ciudad. Tu Equipo,” which, if I remember my high school Spanish correctly, translates as “I wish Ozzy had taken a shit on the Alamo, you filthy land-grabbing gringos! Eric Estrada rulez!”

Ha ha!