A Boy Named Jeb

George Herbert Walker Bush sired three children. One of them, George W., is currently serving a second term as the Worst President in American History. Another one, Neil, was a fine young man who became embroiled in that nasty Savings and Loan scandal a few years back which, while it pales in comparison to the nefarious schemes of George W.'s pals at Enron, was still a pretty large embezzled chunk of change.

And, regrettably, George H. W. Bush and his charming, not-at-all-manly wife Barbara didn't merely have two nitwit sons. They had three. They gave the world a boy named Jeb, a sweaty idiot with a face three times too small for his head that Floridians actually elected to run their entire state as governor.

Bear in mind, folks, I'm from California. We've elected a man to our state's highest office whose only prior experience in an executive position was co-ownership of Planet Hollywood. Who has a track record of sound decision-making that includes Junior, The Last Action Hero and Jingle All the Way. Why couldn't we have at least elected one of the villains from a good Batman movie. I could deal with Governor DeVito or Councilman Walken, or dare I even suggest...Mayor Nicholson?

But I digress. The point is, I come from a state with a totally stupid governor, and yet even I can look at Florida and laugh hyena-like at their public representative. First of all, the guy's name is Jeb. It's not like Poppa was mixing up some moonshine down by the creekbed when this kid was born. His father was already King Shit of Fuck Mountain by the time Jeb was in small pants. He couldn't give the kid a more appropriate name? Plus, he named his other sons George and Neil, which don't exactly fly off the tongue, but they're way more appealing than Jeb. It's just a name for a guy wearing overalls and missing, bare minimum, 8 teeth. It's not a Governor name.

He's got worse problems than the Jeb thing. Mainly, that he's a completely clueless and righteously indignant asshole with lame political aspirations that constantly cause him to pander to the worst, most vile, stupid, ignorant citizens of his backwards-ass podunk cesspool of a state.

You probably already know about the majorly dumb, incompetant or downright immoral things Jeb has done during his tenure. About how he and his cohort Katherine Harris oversaw the election results in 2000 for...his brother George! About how he attempted to legally adopt Terri Schiavo as a ward of the state to keep her husband from deciding how and when she could end her life. About how he opposes not only gay marriage, but gay adoption. Then there's that charming case from 2003, when he attempted to prevent a retarded woman who had been raped from getting an abortion.

But the winning Jeb Bush policy of the moment has got to be this unbelievable but true new bill he intends to sign when it reaches his desk.

Get this...The Florida State Legislature has passed a resolution allowing for "self-defense" in public settings. Oh, man, what a great idea. It's been called by the National Rifle Association their #1 highest legislative priority.

Allow me to break this down for you all. When you're in your home or your car, you already have certain rights to self-defense. If I come in to your home uninvited and seem to pose any possible physical threat, you're allowed to incapacitate me with no questions asked. This law would extend that privilege to any gun-carrying citizen no matter where they were, even on a city street.

Think about this...Any time you feel threatened and happen to have a firearm on your person in Florida, just feel free to use that sucker with complete and total abandon.

People attacked in their homes generally don't have to back off. But in public spaces, deadly force can only be used after trying to retreat.

"I'm sorry people, but if I'm attacked I shouldn't have a duty to retreat,'' said the bill's sponsor, Rep. Dennis Baxley, R-Ocala. "That's a good way to get shot in the back.''

Baxley said that if people have the clear right to defend themselves without having to worry about the legal consequences, criminals will think twice.

"Some violent rape will not occur because somebody will feel empowered by this bill,'' Baxley said. "Somebody's child will not be abducted ... you're going to prevent a murder.''

Folks, if Rep. Baxley is starting to make sense to you, seek help now!

He's attempting to argue that the only way to make Florida safer is to allow Floridians to kill each other in public without warning. Hmm...

See, self-defense as it applies to your home makes sense to me. If someone's in your home and you don't want them there, they're already kind of breaking the law. Either tresspassing or breaking and entering or whatever. And your home is your property, it's where your family lives, it's where everything in the world you'd need to protect would be kept.

But when you're just out on the street, it's a different ballgame. Maybe you're in a fight, or some other intense situation, and you feel threatened...You can't just kill someone in the heat of the moment. It's clearly obvious the right thing to do if you find yourself in a violent confrontation in a public place is to first try and avoid the use of a weapon. We now want to legislate that you don't have to take this crucial step? The Florida Legislature is adopting an official state policy of "Shoot first and ask questions later. Or don't ask questions. Just shoot. Right now!"

This law gets even more insane, if you can imagine:

But it also extends the right outside the home, saying that "a person who is not engaged in an unlawful activity and who is attacked in any other place where he or she has a right to be, has no duty to retreat.''

The bill says that person has "the right to stand his or her ground and meet force with force, including deadly force if he or she reasonably believes it is necessary to do so, to prevent death or great bodily harm to himself or herself or another.''

To prevent death or great bodily harm to himself...or another? Jesus Christ! What is Jeb trying to do? Start a state full of wannabe Batmans? It's vigilante justice he's after.

Think about how many ways you could apply that law. I'm allowed to kill someone in the street who I fear may cause great bodily harm to someone else? What if it's a guy who's going to drive drunk, and I'm afraid he'll hurt someone on the road? Can I kill that guy?

Remind me to never ever again even think about going to Florida.

One more note: the article makes passing mention of a great hypocracy that's intrinsic to this legislation. Certainly any bill that allows private citizens to dole out death so casually would seem to be the result of bloodthirsty politicians. Or at least politicians who don't mind seeing their citizenry killing one another en masse.

Yet these very same Florida representatives busted their asses not two weeks ago to save the life of a comatose woman who's life was comprised of moving her head around occasionally and sometimes moaning. Terri Schiavo had tried to kill herself, had told her husband she wanted to die instead of ending up like a vegetable, and Rep. Baxley was asking the Governor to kidnap her from a hospital in order to keep her feeding tube jammed down her throat.

So the life of a private citizen who might get gunned down in the street doesn't mean so much to Baxley, but the life of a woman who can't speak, move around on her own or feed herself is precious enough to be worth violating the Constitution and the will of the people he's representing.

Are these guys idiots or what?