Exceedingly Rough Drafts

I've written a screenplay entitled Funny Man. I don't like the name. At various times, I've called it Listening to Los Angeles, Brand New Love and even, believe it or don't, Crushed by Inertia. But all of those were too cumbersome or awkward (and the first two rejected titles are ripped off from a Soul Coughing song and a Sebadoh song, respectively).

But name aside, there are a few things about the script I like. It's the most personal thing I've ever written, and also the only thing I've composed thus far that I would say has even a remote chance of turning into a good movie. When I first began writing scripts, I lacked any ability to discern their quality. I found every word flowing out of my brain to be absolutely perfect. My first script was, by far, the most erudite, sensitive, bold piece of fiction ever transcribed since the dawn of language.

After a while, this trend reversed itself, and everything I wrote seemed to me the most odious non-literary garbage imaginable. I'd prefer watching Garden State in a continuous loop while having my nose hairs individually plucked out by Ann Coulter as she read to me from her latest manifesto entitled "Economics: Turning Mindless Rhetoric Into a Publishing Empire."

I've settled now into something of a comfortable middle ground. I can read my own work, realize that it's complete and utter shit, and revise it until it somewhat less resembles shit. I've never actually written anything that I feel strongly positive about, but then again, I've been writing screenplays for less than a decade, and it takes time to get really good at something so nuanced and complex.

You know what expression/bad old joke I dislike? That saying "what I really want to do is direct..." Is that a quote from some actual film, or it is just some old saw handed down through the generations, implying that everyone working on movies secretly harbors a desire to control the entire undertaking.

I bring it up because it appears I may be turning over Funny Man to an actual director, who may want to make it into an actual movie. Actually.

Now, of course, this is LA and nothing is certain. I've had more pre-production meetings for projects that never went anywhere than Steve Guttenberg, but without his startling five-year window of success. People here love to talk about creative undertakings, they even like planning fundraisers designed to sponsor future creative undertakings. They just don't actually like undertaking anything creative, per se.

How many times have I written something for a project that no one actually wants to work on? Many. The most recent example concerns an Internet cartoon I wanted very much to develop. A friend of mine had come up with what I thought was a very promising premise for a cartoon, something we could work with collaboratively and shape over time into a profitable venture. And the thing just derailed before my eyes. I don't think it was my own shortcoming. I was nothing but enthusiastic about the project and willing to do my share to bring it to fruition.

Were you to look at my hard drive, you'd find at least 5 completed scripts for this cartoon.

Also, tentacle porn.

I went to meeting after meeting, inspected drawings and design sketches, listened to music samples of possible theme songs, even recorded samples of character voices. And after all this effort, the sum total of more than a year's worth of labor and effort, the project's about as active as Terri Shiavo's medulla ablongada.

Too soon?

Oh, come on, she's been dead for 15 years. When her brain turned to frappucino, Kurt Cobain was still that scruffy young blonde guy from Seattle and there was an entirely different, still evil but much saner President Bush.

But back to my original point...I can't be certain that this time, the movie/show/project will actually get going in earnest. But I'm as hopeful as I've ever been. There's a capable director who's already screened a film at Cannes interested in the script, after all. And it's a female, which is kind of a dream come true, as the script involves a lot of women characters and I have no idea how their mind works (clearly...) I have no insight whatsoever into the female experience. I can't even get inside a girl's apartment, let alone her head.

Then there's that whole money thing, but how much can it cost to make one single feature film, right? I mean, I do, after all, work at a video store, the nerve center of the entire retail industry. I'm literally making dollars an hour. What could go wrong?