Cold Calls

So, I've been sending out nice little professional letters to newspapers, desperately begging for freelance writing work. It hasn't exactly gone swimmingly to date. There's about as much interest in my writing as there is in Saddam Hussein's prison memoirs. I guess I'll just have to face the facts - if Paris Hilton didn't text-message it to someone, most Americans don't want to read it.

But a few people have suggested I actually phone some of these editors I've contacted via mail and supplicate that way. I'm planning on making some of these calls tomorrow. I hate doing this. I did it once before when I was looking for marketing/PR work (don't ask), and it's absolutely the most uncomfortable personal transaction imaginable. I've broken off relationships with people, I've watched people being fired, I've walked in on people having sex, and never once have so awkward as when I'm begging some busy professional for employment.

I'd almost rather be selling stuff than selling myself. Like, if you're cold calling in an attempt to sign people up for a financial planning and investment strategies seminar, it might be a sucky job, but you've got a pitch. Trust me, I know. It goes a little something like this:

"Hi, this is [your name here] calling from Western Financial Planning. I'm just calling to verify that you got your informational package in the mail and that you appreciated receiving it. Are you [customer's name here] of [address here]? And what is your occupation [sir or madam]?"

And then I enter this information into a computer that automatically redistributes your name and address to every bullshit company with a phone list on Earth.

But, anyway, telemarketing's about 100 times easier than cold calling people for jobs. It's impossible for me to call someone and say "Hey, sir, don't suppose you'd like a nice Me hanging around you all day by any chance? I bathe regularly, honest."

I've given out the blog address to all these editors as well, so it's clear I have no shot at working for their papers. These are professional news organizations, they don't want to take on some guy who's amused by Batman repeatedly using the word boner.

And, besides, if they'd taken the time to read what I wrote and checked out the blog, they probably know whether or not they want to hire me anyway. What difference will a phone call make? By the by, if any of you reading right now are actually one of the reporters or editors to whom I've sent my clippings, why not just hire me right now, and save us both an uncomfortable telephone conversation tomorrow?