Stupidity on the Internet...How Novel

Lons' Top 2 List of Stupid Internet Writers

2. Stephen Jones
1. Kim Newman

Stephen and Kim are winning this prestigious award for the recent publication of their so-called "100 Best Horror Novels of All Time." I'm going to repeat that title, because it will become important in a moment. The 100. Best. Horror. NOVELS. Of All Time. With me so far? Good.

Here's their number 1 pick...

1. Christopher Marlowe, The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus (1592) Perhaps the best realization of the oft told story of selling out to the Devil and the consequences thereof.

Hmm...an interesting pick. It's a great play, granted. "Is this the face that launched 1000 ships" and all that. Couple of problems. It's not terribly horrifying. And, oh yeah, it's totally not a novel. We're supposed to trust these people on what constitutes the best horror books ever written and they don't know the meaning of the term novel.

So, I will educate Kim 'n Stephie. See, a novel doesn't just mean a book. It means a lengthy work of prose. Prose. That means, not poetry. Like Marlowe's "Tragical History of Doctor Faustus." It's also a book meant to be read as a book, not performed. A novel is not a drama. Like, say, Marlowe's "Tragical History of Doctor Faustus."

So, okay, maybe they just got a bit mixed up. Let's take a look at Number 2.

2. William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Macbeth (1606) Crime, guilt, prophecy, witches, and madness in one of the essential works of the Western Canon.

Yikes, guys. That's also not a novel, but rather a play written in meter, mostly in metered rhyme, come to think of it. Here's a hint. A book from which the most famous line is, "By the pricking of my thumb/Something wicked this way comes" isn't a novel. Think more like "It is a far far better thing that I do than I have ever done."

The sad thing is, it otherwise seems like a pretty good list, mostly featuring books I've never read, or even neccessarily heard of. Here's some that I may want to check out:

6. E.T.A. Hoffmann, The Best Tales of Hoffmann (1816) Epoch collection of dark fantasy, featuring the pre-Frankenstein story, "The Sand-Man", exploring the horror of science and artificial life.

28. G.K. Chesterton, The Man Who Was Thursday (1908) A group of anarchists named after days of the week, led by the satanic Sunday.

That one sounds particularly awesome. Satanic anarchists named after days of the week? It's like turn of the century Tarantino!

82. Jonathan Carroll, The Land of Laughs (1980) Couple researching an author find his mometown may be the creation of his fantasies. One of the greatest modern fantasies.

There's no place like mome.