That's just one of the literally thousands of funny quotes, sayings, affirmations, arguments and declarations I've been reading on what has fast become my favorite website. I'm referring, of course, to Jesus Is Savor.com. The self-proclaimed ONLY WAY TO HEAVEN on the Web.
Everyone, when I tell you this is the most hilarious website I have ever visited, I do so without hyperbole, without overstating the issue, without trying to simply convince you you've read something funny tonight. I tell you this because it is the sweet, honest truth. These are not just Christians...Religious people by definition aren't funny to me. These are crazed Christian whackjobs. These are people for whom religion provides a neat excuse to spew hateful nonsense wherever they go. People for whom religion means an exclusive club from which they can declare "otherness" illegal for all time. People who crack me the hell up.
Where to begin? What article on this massive journal of crap to highlight first? Okay, I'll start here, with an obvious one:
Evolution: The Big Hoax!
Evolutionists say that YOU used to be a fish. Do you really believe that? Sounds like a Brothers Grimm fairy tale to me. It takes more faith to believe an amoeba is my daddy, than to believe that God created me.Where are all those elusive transitional forms, such as lizards with feathers?
Yeah, that's what I'm telling you...this thing goes on for pages and pages.
This is always the argument you hear from the anti-evolution nutjobs. "I ain't a-descended from no monkey!" Or, in this case, fish. This is stupid. Of course you're not directly descended from a monkey. We're talking about thousands and thousands of years. Is it so hard to imagine that we used to look more ape-like? There is, after all, hair all over our bodies. And long, gangly arms that we use to scratch ourselves when no one's looking. And guys like Abe Vigoda, who's human but still kind of looks like a monkey.
Plus, I like the added touch of saying that evolutions argue "YOU used to be a fish." That'd be a pretty tough sell for science, actually convincing people that at one time, possibly only a few weeks ago, they lived underwater and ate kelp.
Furthermore, if we evolved from a lower species, then why is it that the apes didn't evolve in the evolutionary process?
They did! They became us! That's the whole point, jerkwad.
Okay, enough about that one...It's too easy, and you've heard it before. Let's get into the real wacky stuff.
Here's an item from, I shit you not, the "Kid's Page"
How to go to Heaven
It is very simple to be saved and takes only a minute to explain.
Oh, great, because I'm really interested in salvation, but I only have a minute or so.
HERE IS HOW YOU CALL UPON THE LORD
Do you admit that you are a sinner?
Do you admit that you deserve to burn in hell?
Do you admit...that you deserve...to burn in hell. Jesus loves the little children, all the little children of the world. He just wants them to admit that they deserve to burn in a lake of flaming sulfur for all eternity.
If you are sorry for your sins and would like for God to save your soul, just ask Him...
Dear Jesus,I admit that I am a sinner, deserving of hell. Please forgive me of my sins and take me to heaven when I die. I now invite you into my heart as my personal Saviour, Amen.
Folks, I know this is a blog...but I'm speechless here. We'd better move on.
What About Women Wearing Pants?
You read that right, folks. This next article is about whether or not it's appropriate for a saved woman to wear pants.
While most church members react in disgust to Sodomites who parade down the street in dresses, they readily accept and even defend women wearing pants. According to God’s Word, it is no more of an abomination for a man to wear a dress than it is for a woman to wear a pair of pants.
You hear that, ladies? You disgust God with your heathen pants. But on a dress, get back in the kitchen and make me some goddamn pie!
To try and say that wearing pants may be wrong for some saved women and not for others is to engage in moral relativism which strips all authority from God’s Word. God does not have two sets of standards. He is no respecter of persons.
That last sentence about sums it up for me. Isn't that what's wrong with this sort of throwback, reactionary claptrap? It doesn't think humans are worth a damn in the first place, so it has no issues with restricting their behavior or limiting their personal freedoms. And, let's face it, personal comfort.
It’s kind of funny that for nearly 6000 years, women always wore long dresses, but only since the last 40 years, a dress is suddenly "impractical" to wear. You cannot change history to validate what you want to make acceptable for today. Nowadays, women think that they cannot so much as rake a few leaves without adorning themselves in a pair of pants.
Now, I'm a man, and I've never had a dress on, but it's obvious that wearing a dress isn't practical for doing household work. Who wants to rake leaves in a dress? And the author really thinks God gives a shit if a woman wants to be comfortable during raking? So asanine...
Also, the author assumes that all women have worn long dresses since the dawn of humanity (6000 years according to Bible Math!). This is patently untrue. Even European women weren't wearing long dresses 6000 years ago. We're talking pre-toga here. Maybe the ladies wore loincloths. And then there's Africa, where the women don't neccessarily wear dresses to this day, and some of the men do. Though over there, it's called a dashiki.
And now, here it is, the coup de grace. This is the link that actually caused me to stumble upon Jesus is Savior in the first place.
Should Women Play Sports?
By Scott Jonas
Jan 4, 2005, 18:33
For those of us who believe we should train our daughters according to Titus 2, 1 Peter 3, and other Biblical passages, my answer is “Yes, it is not good.” I propose that sports greatly hinders the development of godly, Biblical, feminine character. Parents today expend extraordinary amounts of time and energy taking their daughters from one sports event to another, week after week, even to the point where it exhausts the family and family resources. The fruits we see are that today’s Christian women are often ill-prepared to be Biblically obedient wives and mothers. This brings to mind a couple of questions: “Why do we spend so much time preparing our daughters to play sports?" and "What does it prepare them for in the future?” My answer is that sports prepare women to be more like men. Instead of spending all that time preparing our daughters as the Bible directs, we are training them to be like men so they can better compete with men in traditionally masculine roles - i.e., compete with them in the workforce, in politics, in the military, and in sports.
Scotty must be a hit with the ladies. Am I right?
Okay, we're ready for my final thought. I'll just go ahead and turn to the camera, Jerry Springer-style.
Like Andrew Sullivan, through whose blog I discovered this wonderful website, I'm interested in the dichotomy between these people's Christianity and the Christianity of mainstream America.
I'm pretty sure (at least, I hope) that most Americans don't follow this sort of maniacal fundamentalism, where everything fun or lighthearted is evil, wrong, despicable and an abomination to God. Where there's no respect for human dignity whatsoever, and the words in The Bible are the only words in the world that matter in any way.
And yet, they agree with these people when it comes to issues like Gay Rights. Most Americans would read that "women shouldn't play sports" article and see the truth immediately: that Scott Jonas feels threatened by strong women, so he uses religion as an excuse to limit their freedoms and keep them subservient. He wants a future in which women serve men as dutiful wives and daughters because he knows that, if given choices in life, no one would ever want to be his wife and daughter. Or it's an even more basic aggression towards women, fostered by severe rejection or possibly just a dysfunctional or non-existant relationship with his own mother.
And yet, if you substituted the word "gay" for "women" in most of these articles, mainstream America would have no problem with it at all. "Oh, no gay public school teachers? I'm for that! Screw those homos!"
So, why is it that American see the innate bullshit inherent in dumbass websites like Jesus is Savior and not when it's spewing out of the pieholes of simps like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity? What's the disconnect? I don't know. And it's troubling.
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