Why Garden State Sucks...Explained!

I know, I know, I'm obsessed with the awfulness of Garden State. I can't stop hating Zach Braff just because you're sick of reading about it, you know...I have to live with these feelings 24 hours a day.

So, anyway, I stumbled across an interview with Zach Braff from IGN Filmforce from July. Okay, stumbled is the wrong word. Purposefully sought out and then read diligently would be more like it. And I've figured out why he sucks...He spells it all out for everyone, clear as day. I couldn't argue why he's the worst writer/director of 2004 better myself...Check out this quote, for starters, about how he came up with the idea:

"Well, I went to film school and I wanted to and I started thinking about what my first feature would be and I knew all the things I didn't want it to be, and so I decided I wanted to do something really personal, and for me, this is what I was going through in my twenties, these are the problems I was sort of obsessing about and worrying about and I decided well, why don't I, since what I know is coming home as a actor who hasn't worked much, why don't I write that story?"

Okay, right, fair enough so far...It's a bit strange that he's describing a movie about a guy who accidentally kills his mother and then zonks himself out on prescription drugs for most of his adolescence and 20's as 'personal' describing 'the problems [he] was sort of obsessing about', seeing as he obviously had a very productive 20's. You know, what with going to film school and landing that sitcom. But, anyway, if that's the personal story he wanted to tell, fair enough.

But check out this quote just one paragraph later:

"There [are] lots of anecdotes and such that are true, they didn't all necessarily happen to me, they happened to friends and some happened to me, some I read about in the paper and they were the real basis, they were the foundation on which I started writing the script."

So, it's a personal story describing problems he was obsessing about, based on things he read in the paper. Hmmm...still, not completely idiotic. A bit strange. But not completely idiotic. What things did he get from the paper, I wonder? Medieval Times employees going out with middle aged stoners? Epileptics in helmets on mopeds? Houseboats at the bottom of empty lakes in canyons? There's nothing in the entire movie that feels real enough to be in a newspaper, but I'll give Braffy the benefit of the doubt.

So, here's when the interview gets hopelessly dumb. Here's Braff on writing the character of Sam, played in the film by the stunning Natalie Portman:

"I just sort of found this male fantasy of like, of like a girl that will come along and rescue you and she will be unlike every girl you have ever met in your entire life, and she will just stand out and be eccentric and different, so I just sort of wrote who, in my mind, of who Large was, who that perfect girlfriend would be."

Okay, anyone who has ever written anything in their lives will tell you that this is retarded. He didn't start by trying to write a character that would feel real, that had any internal life of her own, or personality. He wrote a character who would fit into the plan he already had for the main character, who itself is just a stand-in for Zach Braff. Remember, it's a personal story about feelings and obsessions he had...So, basically, he made a character out of a wet dream. This is why she seems so empty in the film, despite the talented Ms. Portman's best efforts.

And here's the final dumb quote:

"Well, I learned a lot in film school but Scrubs has been a grad school in a lot of ways because I can meet a different director every single week and I get to see how all these different people work."

That's just dumb because "Scrubs" sucks.

So, there you have it. A pretty good explanation for why Zach Braff sucks. He writes characters with no souls, ciphers he can filter his goofy adolescent fantasies through, and then act them out on screen and pretend to be a great filmmaker. I just don't understand why so many people are going for this nonsense. Have they seen so few movies? Do they simply lack perspective? Someone explain this to me, I genuinely don't get it.