How the Grouch Stole Christmas

My favorite commentator and yours, Professor Emeritus William J. O'Reilly (known here as Billy O) has been ranting and raving on his TV show all week about how "secularists" want to cancel Christmas. Here's a sample profundity:

"If they could, secularists would cancel Christmas as a holiday. That's how much they fear the exposition of the philosophy of Jesus." During his syndicated radio show O'Reilly intoned darkly, "The small minority that is trying to impose its will on the majority is so vicious, so dishonest -- and has to be dealt with."

Yeah, B. Rip, you're absolutely correct. I fear the exposition of the philosophy of Jesus. You found me out. That's why I hate Christmastime. It's not the overblown consumerism, not the cheesy, phony sentimentality of TV specials that say that Christmas is about sharing and comes from within while hawking a million new toys and electronic doodads, not the droning, atonal carols that play constantly out of every speaker in the nation from Halloween on...it's the philosophy of Jesus.

It doesn't bother me any other time of year, though...Just on Christmas.

Actually, to turn the sarcasm off for just a moment (then, I promise, I'll turn it back on again), I'm all about the philosophy of Jesus. I'm full of religion now.

No, not really, but I dig what Jesus was all about. He agreed with me about most stuff. He was anti-death penalty, even if the President couldn't recall that (on Billy O's very own show in 2000!) He was anti-war. Hell, he believed in the sort of welfare state that conservatives like William readily and openly mock. (Remember that thing with the fishes and loaves? He wanted to feed the poor! And not just by giving them back a small piece of their taxes, either! By feeding them and taking care of them when they get sick!)

Really, if not for the son of God thing, I'd be all about Jesus, too. And, yeah, I hate Christmas, and wish it would go away, or at least become a lot less important in our culture and society.

But I don't think you should be prevented from celebrating any holiday you want, as long as it doesn't involve human sacrifice or eating poo or anything really gross. This is what's so clever about Billy and Fox News' approach: they make you think they're on the defensive (we've gotta save Christmas from these heathens!) when really they're on the same side as the people running the show. Brilliant!

But Billy O, of course, is not the worst offender. Check out this quote (which, to quote Dave Barry, I swear I am not making up), from William Donohue of the Catholic League:

"Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular. It's not a secret, OK? Hollywood likes anal sex. They like to see the public square without nativity scenes."

Well, it's true that there aren't a lot of nativity scenes on public squares around here in LA, thank goodness. But where did that "anal sex" line come in? Has Donohue been reading my blog or something?

It's odd that the bizarre neo-conservative war plan requires them to pretend to support Israel abroad, yet they still want to hold Jews responsible for "anal sex" and cancelling Christmas in this country. (And, as for the charge of "hating Catholicism in particular," I'd like to comfort Mr. Donohue...I don't have time to divide Christians into separate categories...I look down upon you all).

So, now you know. We Hollywood Jews are determined to destroy the holiday of Christmas, and there's nothing you can do about it, except send a lot of money to the Catholic Leauge. And, for the love of all things holy, keep a close watch on your manger scene. Someone may want to steal your Baby Jesus.