It's official, folks: Eva is America's Next Top Model.
What? You didn't watch this season of "America's Next Top Model"? What the hell is wrong with you? It was great.
See, the genius of this show is that they find these really attractive girls who have been told since the onset of puberty (and possibly before) how beautiful they are, and then they parade them around in embarrassing situations on national television each week, after which they insult and degrade them, and tell them how unattractive and unappealing they really are. And then they send one home, and the others get all excited, because they are allowed to remain and be insulted again next week.
Seriously, the judges on this show are 10 times more foul and ill-tempered than Simon Cowell, who has apparently never gotten over being cruelly kicked out of Wham! on the eve of their break into stardom. (Okay, I made that last part up).
Janice Dickinson (repeatedly referred to by host Tyra Banks as "the first supermodel," as if she broke, Jackie Robinson-style, through some barrier against the prefix super-) looks as if she might leap out of her seat and begin to strangle the girls to death with her bare hands, and fashionista Jay Manuel couldn't get through 10 minutes of the show without rolling his eyes and scoffing at these girls complete lack of couture.
Couture itself being some indefinable property that some of the girls would randomly display while for others it was as unfamiliar a concept as "the double Western bacon cheeseburger." I myself have no idea what it means, except that a model is apparently displaying it by staring into a camera like she wants to start humping the lens.
But, anyway, the season finale last night was especially delightful, because the bitchy YaYa, who spent the entire show putting all the other wannabe top models down and acting like she was so great, lost to the upstart Eva, who wasn't really one of the hottest girls on the show, but had one of the better (okay, only) personalities.
My personal favorite model, the uber-hot Ann, was cut a few weeks ago for failing to make the proper facial expressions during a fashion shoot, or something. She would have won if the show was "America's Next Girl Whom Lons Will Harbor a Crush on for Several Months Until Another Reality Show With an Even Hotter Girl Starts on UPN and She Winds Up on the Cover of FHM With Half of Her Cooter Sticking Out," but it wasn't, was it?
So, congrats to Eva. Now, can you believe I'm actually going to miss the season finale of "The Apprentice" tonight? Argh! Oh, well. We all know it's going to be Kelly.
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